High School // Malec

Chapter 37.

I have never felt as much pain as I felt at the moment. My heart was breaking into so many pieces that it was impossible for me to know which piece I was supposed to follow. Magnus was looking at me with so much sadness in his crystal clear eyes, but it was like I didn't feel any kind of compassion or regret.
- You should go
My voice was stern and cold, almost like all of my emotions suddenly had left my body and disappeared. I expected Magnus to make a scene or scream at me for what I told him, but he didn't. Instead, he slowly turned around and walked away from me and it was in that exact moment that I realised that I lost him. Magnus would never ever be able to talk to me again after what happened between us today. After years of being separated, we lost one another once again. Only this time, we're never going to find our way back to each other. There's a limit on how many times you can hurt a certain person and in my case, I think I just passed that limit. It wasn't until I no longer could see Magnus anymore that I started to feel things again. I had just lost my baby brother and as a bonus, the love of my freaking life would never be able to look me in the eyes again. How does it come that wherever I go, I only end up hurting everyone? If I'm not hurting myself, I'm hurting everyone around me and honestly, I don't think I'll ever be able to survive this. There's just no hope anymore. The only person that would jump from a bridge for my sake has lost all faith in me. My father was right. It should have been me who died today, not Max. By the angel, he was only ten years old. He had his whole life in front of him.
- I'm sorry that I couldn't protect you from the world, Max. I'll always love you, I whispered to myself and for the first time since I found out that my brother had died, tears made their way down my cheeks.
It wasn't until I suddenly felt how my phone vibrated in my back pocket that I realised for how long I actually just had been standing in the middle of the street, starring at a random spot beyond the horizon.
"We're saying goodbye to Max down at the hospital. Can you please come? I need my big brother"
The text message was from Izzy, the only different was that she didn't use emojis or anything that she always used when she texts me. That's when I realised that I'm not the only one in my family who's hurting at the moment. We all lost Max today and it's really selfish of me to think that I'm the only one who's in pain.
"I'm on my way"
When I had sent my response, I started walking towards the direction of the hospital. Since it wasn't that far, it felt unnecessary to call for a taxi or wait for some bus that is filled with disgusting people. Before I knew it, I arrived at the enormous building. My mother was the first one who greeted me and when I looked into her eyes, all I could see was misery. It looked like she had been crying for hours and her whole body was shaking.
- I'm so incredible sorry, I whispered and felt how my own voice broke
- Yeah, me too
We embraced each other like the other one would disappear if we would let go. The only thing I could hear at the moment was my own beating heart and the silent cries that came from my heartbroken mother. I don't know for how long we stood there, but when it was time to say goodbye to Max, it felt like the time had passed by way too fast. My mother and I walked over to the room where Max's body was laying and on the way over there, we met Jace and Izzy who looked like the whole world was ending. Izzy had her hair in a ponytail and her makeup was everywhere on her face, except where it was supposed to be. Jace had swollen eyes and the beautiful smile that usually cover his lips, was nowhere to be seen. The first thing I noticed was that my father wasn't there, but I couldn't care less. The three of us walked into the room and when I saw Max's lifeless body laying on the hospital bed, it felt like I couldn't breathe properly anymore. Tears were streaming down my cheeks like there was no freaking tomorrow and all I wanted was for the damn pain to end. With slow steps, I walked up to the bed where my baby brother laid. His body was pale and both of his eyes that usually shines so bright was closed. I could see a huge wound on the back of his head and what probably disgusted me the most was that there was bloodstains on the blue pillow. Without thinking twice, I placed a light kiss on his forehead. This was going to be the very last time I would see him.
- I love you, I whispered
Izzy also came up to where I was standing and placed both of her arms around me while she cried into my chest. Her actions sent vibrations through my whole body and I tried to stay strong in front of my little sister, but I knew I couldn't. Jace also joined the two of us after a while but for an understandable reason, my mother kept her distance. I knew it would be way too hard for her to she one of her children laying there, nothing breathing. I can't even imagine the pain she was feeling at the moment. I lost a brother, but she lost her son.
- Goodbye Max, Izzy whispered
Minutes later, the four of us sat down in the entrance hall of the hospital. No one had talked since we walked out of Max's room and saw his lifeless body for the last time. It was like no one of us knew what was okay to say. All of our hearts were breaking into pieces at the same time and honestly, it really felt like no one of us would survive this. When we returned back home, I could even look at the stairs. Knowing that Max had died there made me want to sell the house and never see it again. I walked into the living room where I sat down in the couch. I was breathing heavily and it was like I could feel the vibrations from my own beating heart. I didn't turn on the TV or picked up my phone. I just looked at the wall and tried to keep myself together.
- Can I sit with you?
I looked up and saw how Izzy walked into the living room. She had changed her clothes and all of the makeup was washed away from her face. Her eyes were still red from all the crying, but I saw how she tried her hardest to fake a smile.
- Yeah, I answered
She sat down beside me and leaned her small body against mine. We sat in silence for a long time. No one of us still didn't know what to say.
- It nice to have you home again. I missed you when you stayed at Magnus apartment, Izzy suddenly said and I felt how she looked at me
- I don't think I'll be going there again, I answered and sighed
- Why?
- I hurt him
- Alec, what did you do? Izzy asked
- He told me that he understood how I was feeling. That he knew what it was like to lose a family member. I screamed at him that he had no rights to say that. I told him that his mother killed herself because she couldn't stand him, I whispered
- You need to talk to him and make things right, Izzy said and dragged her hand through my raven hair
- He's never going to forgive me
- He loves you, Alec. Of course he'll forgive you. He knows that you're going through a really hard time at the moment, Izzy answered
Instead of answering, I started crying hysterically against Izzy's shoulder. I knew now how badly I had fucked up. I loved Magnus more than I would like to admit and the worst part is that he's probably never going to forgive me.

// TBC \\

Wow, I made myself cry😭

-Mathilda