High School // Malec

Chapter 20.

I was once again sitting on the floor in the shower, crying my eyes out. Never in my whole life have I ever felt this devastated and broken. It was like my whole world was turned upside down and no matter how much I tried, I couldn't fake a smile. What Raphael said today at school truly hit me like a nuclear bomb and even if I haven't gotten it proved to me that Magnus only started talking to me because he wanted an A on our project, I had a really hard time believing that it was all a lie. I mean, why would the most popular guy in school want to be friends with me? I'm nothing more than a suicidal teenager who has to attend stupid support meetings and keep the doctors updated every once in a while that I haven't killed myself yet. It must be true. Everything that Raphael told me today must be true. Like he said, why would he lie to me when he can make my life as miserable as possible? Hours has passed since I sent the text message to Magnus, saying that I didn't want anything to do with him, but I still hadn't dare myself to look if he has responded to the text or not. Immediately when I returned back home from the archery ranch, where I had spent what felt like an eternity, I had stripped out of my clothes and stepped into the shower where I'm still was sitting with my head leaned against the cold wall. To be completely sure that no one in my family heard my sobs, I was blasting high music from my speaker. Usually, the sound of music makes me calm, but not this time. The loud tunes only gave me more anxiety and as I listened to lyric after lyric about heartbreak and pain, it was like the tears kept streaming down my cheeks like there now no freaking tomorrow. When I finally had enough and my body felt numb from the coldness of the running water, I stepped out of the shower and got dressed in something more comfortable than a pair of tight jeans. As I walked back into my room, I could hear voices from downstairs, but I didn't feel like hanging out with my family. Jace and Izzy are already worried about me and honestly, I don't want to irritate my father even more. Ever since he found out that I'm depressed, he has been more distant than ever and no matter how much I try to not think about it, I know that he's disappointed in me. I won't lie, it's not like I blame him. I disappoint myself every day and all I have to do is looking myself in the mirror. My phone was a beeping mess when I finally reached my bedroom and when I looked at it, I had about 10 missed calls from Magnus and a couple of messages.
"Alexander, what are you talking about? What happened?"
Dammit Magnus, why does he always have to call me by my real name? Can't he be like everyone else and call me Alec? I hate it when he calls me Alexander because even if i don't want to admit it, I love it.
"Please talk to me, Alexander. I have tried to call you for hours but you won't pick up your phone. I'm worried about you. Call me"
Magnus text messages brought more tears to my eyes because I know that deep down, he doesn't care about me. I bet he's only pretending to care so he later can stab me in the back and leave me alone when I need him the most, just like I did when we were nine years old. God, I'm so incredibly fucking stupid.
"If you don't answer anytime soon, I'll come to your house myself and make you talk to me"
Hell no, that's not happening. There's no way that I'm going to let Magnus see min in this condition.
"Leave me alone"
To say that my respond to Magnus text message was breaking my heart, truly was an understatement. I finally thought that we could start over and be best friends again, but I was wrong. I guess it's right what everyone says, Magnus is nothing more than a bullying nonchalant teenager who lives for his popularity and doesn't care about anyone else's emotions. I hate myself for saying this, but maybe Magnus deserved that Camille cheated on him. I mean, at least she realised in time that he's nothing more than trouble. I shouldn't have let him into my life again. I should have known better. The key to having nothing to fear, is having nothing to lose. I'm not meant to have friends or be in love. I meant to spend my whole life alone.

// TBC \\