Lupus - A Shawn Mendes Fanfiction

▪ ■ twenty one ■ ▪

Omg new Shawn music 😍😍 In My Blood is one of the MOST LYRICALLY BEAUTIFUL THINGS EVER

Your POV

Shawn is currently his therapy session. Liz, his therapist, had come to our apartment as Shawn was still sick.

"Thank you. Same time next week?" Liz opens our bedroom door. I had given Shawm strict instructions to not leave his bed. I show Liz out and then take a cool wash cloth for Shawn.

"This might help your fever." I hold the wash cloth to his forehead.

"Thanks Y/N." He says quietly, pain in his voice.

"I just need to get a few things. Are you going to be okay on your own baby?" I didn't want to leave him alone but I had to get some groceries. "I'll be half an hour."

"That's fine Y/N. I'll be fine." He smiles, and I kiss his forehead before leaving.

Shawn's POV

Help me.

I whisper under my breath before Y/N leaves.

I get out of bed. Maybe taking a shower would help. Grabbing my towel, I go into the en suite bathroom, my feet touching the cold bathroom floor. I take a look at myself in the mirror and I barely recognise myself. Pale face, cheekbones more pronounced because of weight loss, pain. Pain in my eyes. What do I do?

I look around the bathroom. It felt like the walls were caving in. I punch the wall in frustration, trying to push it back to stop the room from getting smaller. I punch it again, harder and harder, until my hand was bleeding.

I lean my head against the bathroom wall, tears falling from my eyes. I can't breathe. My body begins sliding down in defeat, eventually hitting the cold floor.

Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing.

I try to slow my breathing but I can't breathe. I then see a pen and notebook on the bedroom floor. I'm able to lean over and reach for it.

I begin to write, not being able to breathe or control myself.

Help me it's like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up

I'm so stressed by this point that I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing.

But pain.

Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing
I'm overwhelmed and insecure, give me something
I could take to ease my mind slowly

So many different things were running through my mind right now. I couldn't control myself.

I'm trying to find a way to chill, can't breathe, oh
Is there somebody who could... help me.

I couldn't do this... I can't.

I remove the bandages from my wrists and begin cutting. I make three fresh cuts, tears falling onto them, making them burn.

I couldn't stop. I craved it. I needed the pain.

I saw my abs - the muscle slowly disappearing, being replaced by bone.

(Like 2014 Shawn's body if ygm)

I see my surgical scar - it looked lonely. Like me. I was feeling lonely.

Should I give it company?

I make small cuts around it. One, two, three and four. Making five.

I couldn't stop.

I need somebody now
I need somebody now
Someone to help me out
I need somebody now

Blood from my hand drips onto the notebook. It then hits me. All of the pain and emotion I had been feeling goes into the last line.

It isn't in my blood.

I slam the book shut and push it to the side, bringing my knees up to my face. I just cry on the cold bathroom floor, every single ounce of pain and anxiety that I had been feeling all being released at once. I couldn't do anything - move, speak, even open my eyes. I could just cry.

Your POV

I get back within the hour and begin tidying the groceries. It was awfully quiet so I assumed Shawn was sleeping.

Until I heard a faint sob.

I drop everything and run to the en suite bathroom.

"Shawn..." I see him laying on the bathroom floor, curled up in a ball. There was blood all around him.

"Y/N" he sobs, not moving.

"What happened to my baby?" I take my arms under his armpits and pull him close to me. He sobs loudly into my chest, gripping my shirt.

My attention falls to the blood.

"Please let me help you... you're my world, my life. Talk to me."

"I can't do it Y/N... I can't do it..." I instantly knew what he meant and all I could do was hug him tight.

"Listen to me. You're my entire world, I would be lost without you. You've changed so many lives, including mine. Your songs saved lives, your personality puts a smile on so many faces. Your family oh my god... your mum alone loves you more than anything else. Aaliyah, she's lucky to have such an incredible brother. We are all lucky to have you. Please keep fighting, it'll all be over soon." I rock him from side to side.

"It hurts Y/N... please make it stop."

"I will but you need to want to get better too my love." I rub his back, noticing the weight loss - the muscle on his back was turning into bone. "Come on. Let me fix you up." I lean hin against the bathroom wall and clean the cuts around his abdomen and from his wrists.

"I'm dizzy..." his head turns to the side in fatigue.

"You just had a panic attack darling. It'll take a few hours for you to recover, you just need to rest up." I put fresh bandages around his wrists and abdomen. "Lets get my baby some food." I coo, helping him stand. "Small steps." I didn't realise how weak he was. I lay him down and put the blanket over him.

I decide to order a pizza because I didn't want to leave Shawn alone whilst I cooked. He needed to eat something, so I quickly cut an apple and a pear for him.

"Pizza will be here in an hour. I got you some fruit to eat until then." I put the bowl on the table beside the bed, getting into bed next to him.

"Can I sleep for a while?" He asks, eyes looking heavy.

"Just eat something first then you can sleep." It was now 5 30pm, and it would probably be 7 before we ate.

I decided to try and get him to open up.

"What's going on with you? I'm worried about you." I begin taking my fingers through his hair.

"I don't know. I just felt so anxious and sad at the same time. I don't know how to stop it. I know that I've not been able to do my music in a while but I just want to write again. I... I wrote a song just then and it helped calm me. I just want to be able to live my life again." He explained.

"I... well we weren't supposed to show you this as it isn't fully done yet but come with me." I help him to his feet and walk him into the studio we had made for him.

"What's this?" He asks. I turn the light on and see utter joy on his face for the first time in months.

"I was worried about how upset and stressed you were so Selena and I decided to make you your own recording studio so you can make music at home." I feel Shawn's arms go around me, he partially collapses on me as he was still weak. I put my arms around his neck, stroking his hair.

"Thank you Y/N. Thank you so much." I felt his laughing in my neck, and I was so pleased that he was finally happy.

Or was he?

I need to revise but doing this lol