Paper Thin

• 89: Sinking •

Melody

That night, the house felt empty and heavy all at once. My father was finally home from his business trip but locked himself away in his office without even saying 'hello'. I hung by his office door before I forced myself away from it to go downstairs and jog.

I ran the moment I stepped onto the treadmill. My feet were trying to outrun my racing mind, but they couldn't seem to win. I kept going until I couldn't see straight. My legs wobbled, and my breathing laboured.

Panting and half-blind, I stumbled up to the main floor. I stopped at my father's office once again, to see his chair facing away from the door. I stood there, staring. Glaring. Waiting. Hoping.

"Melody?" Leslie's voice startled me. She looked up from the spot on the wood she was cleaning with a Swiffer.

"He doesn't see me anymore." It was a statement, not a question. I didn't wait for a response as I blinked away the dizziness and strode up the stairs. I knew it was true and I didn't know if it would ever change.

It was silent upstairs as Margot and Mia were out shopping. As if they needed more things. They had everything my father's money could buy and my father. What more could they want?

I went to my bathroom and let the bathtub fill up as I got my towel and pyjamas ready. After putting them on the counter, I took my phone out and turned on an indie playlist that Carson had sent me. I then stripped off my sweaty clothing and stepped into the bath. I sat down in the hot water and let the heat engulf me. I sighed immediately as my body seemed to relax and I closed my eyes, leaning my head back against the tub.

Though my body was relaxed, my mind felt anything but. I watched as my hand floated effortlessly on the water and I wished I could feel that weightless all the time.

Try not to gain any weight. Rose's words repeated in my mind.

I felt the opposite of weightless. I felt heavy. Like I was sinking. Slowly sinking.

She better keep working out. Margot's voice joined Rose's.

I was heavy. Sinking. Weighing everyone down.

Did, you could definitely lose a lot. Twelve-year-old Aubrey united with the chorus of antagonizing voices.

Try not to gain any weight.

She better keep working out.

Didi, you could definitely lose a lot.

Try not to gain any weight.

Keep working out.

Didi, you could definitely lose a lot.

Suddenly I was underwater, and I didn't care. It was quiet under here. No voices, no people judging me, no spreading rumours, nothing.

I felt all my emotions rise to the surface and I let out a frustrated scream that I didn't know was building in my chest. It was silenced by the water and rippled all around me until oxygen was no longer in my lungs. I burst out of the water, gasping for air as unshed tears finally broke free and made their way down my cheeks.

I pulled my knees up to my chest and rested my cheek on them as I cried. Silent tears, the quiet breaking of a girl who would carefully put herself back together before anyone noticed.

After a while, I dragged myself out of the now lukewarm water and wrapped a towel around my body. I avoided my appearance in the mirror as I dried off, trying to tuck away some of the emotions I was feeling. I pulled on my pyjamas, brushed my teeth, and crawled into bed, despite my wet hair.