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• 125: Bittersweet •

Melody

My last day in inpatient was bittersweet. I was happy to get out of there and be done with forced feedings, daily therapy, and daily vitals checks. I was excited to see Carson, to be back in my own bed and to start trying to live my life like a semi-normal person.

But on the other hand, I was terrified to leave. I'd come so far and was scared anything would cause a relapse. I was also scared to do it on my own. Because my disordered eating behaviour was so engrained into me, I didn't know who I'd be without it. Would Carson still love me now that I wasn't as small as before? Would my father still want to try to get to know me? Would I still get modelling jobs? What would school be like? What would my friends think? There was so much uncertainty to think about. But Dr. Williams, who was now my therapist, would tell me to take it one day at a time. And I would.

My dad picked me up from the hospital and quietly we began to drive home. He had come to see me once during a family visit week. He said I seemed well and gave me the heads up that Mia would still be living with us, despite what happened with her mother. And I told him I was okay with it, though the closer we go to home, the more anxious I felt.

"You okay?" My dad asked. My mouth moved to form the word 'yes' but Dr. William's voice in the back of my head told me to be honest.

"What's Mia been like? Has she been sad that Margot's in jail now? Is she meaner? Or nicer?" I mumbled.

"She's been okay... I think she's both said and relieved. But I think you two are going to have to talk it all out... I want both my daughters to get along if it's possible."

"Daughters," I mumbled incredulously.

"I know. I'm so sorry I kept it from you. At the time it seemed like the right thing to do," he said. I nodded, though I couldn't stop wringing my hands together. It would be nice to be friends with my sister rather than against her. I guess that meant forgiving her with Margot and starting to think of her 'post-Margot'.

When we pulled into the driveway, my dad spoke again. "Hey, uh, I have a business meeting in Manhattan in two weeks."

"Okay," I said quietly, feeling a sinking feeling in my stomach. Like maybe things were going to stay the same.

"I was thinking...maybe you can come with me and we can go to that museum you like?" My dad continued, fidgeting with the keys in the ignition. My eyes widened in surprise. "I'm mean, that's if you aren't busy catching up in school... It's on a Friday."

"That sounds like fun," I said with a smile. He looked up from the steering wheel dash and smiled back.

I was wrong; things might be different.

***

Mia wasn't home when I got there, and I was glad to have time to collect myself while I settled in. I unpacked the few things my father had grabbed for me when I was admitted, which didn't take as long as I thought it would have, so I sat on my bed and watched an episode of Project Runway.

My phone rang after I finished the episode and I picked up when I saw it was a call from Carson.

"She's home!" he cheered excitedly on the other side of the line. I laughed at his enthusiasm, but felt a warm feeling inside, knowing he was excited I was home.

"I am!" I chuckled.

"I'm glad. I've missed you so much," Carson said. My breath caught in my throat.

"Really?" I replied quietly.

"Of course, I've missed you. I can't wait to see you," he insisted. I smiled.