A Rant-Worthy World

13) Kids

I'm going to say it straight off the bat now and I don't care if you think that I'm a heartless villain.

I. Hate. Kids.

There. I said it. You may now proceed to be judgmental and stare at me like I'm a bearded dragon.

Look, there are just so many reasons why I freaking hate kids. And they are:

1) They have energy that is just about as endless as Nando's bottomless yoghurt.

Most of you probably don't even know what that is but the name is pretty self explanatory.

Like, literally, you decide to do something nice for them like give them a piggy back of swing them around. But the things is, they always want more.

I mean, seriously the kids don't understand that your back is breaking or you're going to collapse out of exhaustion and need an ambulance, they just know that it was fun and they want you to do it again. 987654332 more times.

Sorry not sorry but I don't have as much energy as a hyper 3 year old. Understood?

Oh wait, we're talking about little kids here. They don't understand.

2) My patience doesn't run any longer than I can run flat out.

You know that saying "Patience is a virtue"?

You know what? I don't have that bloody virtue. I wasn't so fortunate as to be blessed with it in the same way I wasn't blessed with a servant.

Man, I want a servant now.

Anyway, kids can really test your patience. Especially the curious ones who keep asking questions.

While I was in India, I was in a car park with my 1 year old cousin and he pointed at every. Single. Car. And asked what it was and after about the tenth car, I lost it. No wonder he doesn't like me anymore. Meh.

And then, he did the same thing with my brother except it was a fish tank and he was pointing to the fish and my brother answered each time in that voice you use with kids oh-so-patiently.

Yeah, no. No patience whatsoever for me. I understand that kids are curious and don't know a a lot but please, if they all look the same, they probably are the same.

3) You must, no matter what happens, keep an eye on them unless you want to spend the next 30 seconds panicking

For those of you with very young siblings, you'll understand. Especially if they're either a) boys or b) just like running off.

One time, I took my eyes of my then 3 year old brother to say something to my other brother for 10 seconds.

Ten seconds.

Ten whole seconds

I did not think that ten seconds would be enough for him to go missing. And I had to spend the next 3 minutes panicking. Not the highlight if my life.

But the point is, these kids just cannot sit still or stay put. You can't just order them around like dogs and keep them on a leash. You have to make sure you're watching them, at all times from the minute you leave the door to the minute you get back. Because sometimes, kids do the stupidest things on earth.

Like running onto a road just as car is heading towards them. Or going in a lift to the top floor by themselves. Or putting their hands in a dog's mouth.

Idiots, man. Real idiots.

4) They understand just about as much as I understand my history textbook.

Again, I know they don't understand much but if I'm studying for my freaking GCSEs I don't want little kids barging into my room and asking to play a game with them.

I'm doing work, okay? I have a life that does not revolve around you. The kids who are spoilt with attention are the worst ones, they expect you to shower them with attention and give up your life's basic necessities such as going to the toilet.

5) Irresponsible parents pawn their kids off on you.

Look, I know parenting is hard and I don't mind if you just ask me to keep an eye on your kid for a bit but what I do mind is getting asked to supervise them with their homework.

I had to do this with my 5 year old cousin who absolutely bloody hates homework more than I hate kids. I spent 2 whole hours of my life with a 5 year old.

It was torture. I'd rather scrub the toilet than do that again.

I spent two whole hours yelling at her, threatening her, chasing her (she lied and ran) and begging another cousin to supervise her so I could go to the bleeding toilet.

But I do have to admit, from about 5 miles away, kids do look really cute and say the funniest things sometimes.

Vote if you liked this rant.

Comment below about what you think of kids.

Later, folks.

~ Izzy

A/N I'm back!