the idols race for love, are you ready? | book one | utapri

chapter thirty-four

ｌｅｔ   ｍｅ   ｂｅｌｉｅｖｅ
ｉｎ   ｔｈｅ   ｌｉｅ

『 your p.o.v 』

          At some point in the night, I managed to fall back asleep as I struggled to fight off my tears. I've cried enough in my life for two people and really don't need to cry anymore. Crying doesn't solve anything in the end anyways...

          Stretching, I sat up and lifted my arms high up above my head, feeling much more refreshed and alive than I did last night now that beautiful bright rays of sunlight trickles in through the large window. I watch as some birds fly by high up in the sky, disappearing in a matter of seconds.

          So much happened yesterday. I still can't believe my laptop is gone and with it, the only thing I had left of my mother. That's going to hurt for a while and, in all honesty, I'm not sure I'll ever truly get over losing her like this. But, I have to move on eventually and I guess now is as good of a time as any...

          Sighing, I tried to smile as to keep away my sad thoughts. "You have to learn to love yourself." I repeated the words the emerald eyed boy from my dream had told me last night. "No one wants to see you all sad, so, you have to learn to be happy."

          But that's easier said than done. I mean, I've spent so long building everyone else up to the point I don't even have a foundation on where to start building myself up. The only way I know how to do things is to do them for the sake of everyone else so doing anything for me is, well, difficult to say the least. Sure I have my little selfish tendencies here and there where I might be a little stubborn and try my hardest to fix things that very well don't concern me, but that's only because I don't want to lose those I hold close to me. Is that really so bad..?

          "Ugh, why is being happy so hard?" I groaned, falling back to lying down on my hospital bed and staring up at the blank white ceiling. "If my friends are happy then I'm happy. Why do I have to find something more to make me happy? Can't I just be content with this?"

          I thought for a moment before shaking my head some. I need to learn how to love myself as well. Self-love... Isn't that something that's really hard, like something people work on for their entire lives or something? How am I supposed to ever accept myself when no one else really has?!

          "The world is confusing." I sighed in defeat, patting my cheeks before smooshing them some, making my lips plump up almost like a puffer fish. "Stupid feelings and guilt ruining my life all the time. Thanks emotions..."

          Soft knocks on my hospital room door rung out before the door opened with a faint click. "Excuse me, are you awake Miss Kotobuki..?" A nurse asked as she popped her head through the door.

          Pushing myself to sitting up again, I offered her a small smile. "I am."

          "Ah, that's great! I'm just here to check your vitals and to see how you're feeling." She said, hurrying into the room after closing the door behind her, checking the heart monitor and asking if it would be alright for her to take my temperature. "It's amazing you're doing perfectly fine after nearly drowning like that."

          I looked to the nurse with a sheepish smile. "That's a good thing, right?"

          She laughed as she patted my head affectionately. "Of course it is. You have no complications, no signs of infections, and you didn't get any ocean water in your lungs thanks to your friends quick actions in getting you out of the water as fast as they could. If it wasn't for them, you'd be in a lot worse of a condition." The cheerful nurse said as she continued writing away on her notepad. "You don't feel bad in any way, right?"