matty healy, falling in love over night

four am, again

it was saturday morning now. four am. i couldn't sleep after the events that unfolded tonight.
i grabbed the wine from under my bed and decided i didn't want to feel anymore.
an hour later the sun was still vacant and the night sky dark. i headed outside to see a figure. matty.
"howwww long have yuuuu been there?"
"you're drunk?"
i giggled slightly
"no!"
"gracey"
"matty"
"i'm sorry" he said
"it's okayyyy, i likes you a lottttt but illll be okayyyy"
he looked at me, the same sadness in his eyes he did when we first met, he looked at the ground before looking at me.
"i like you gracey"
i inhaled not breathing
"but you're right, we barely know each other and i'm not over gabby"
i didn't speak, not for a minute. i let myself process everything
"i think, i think weeee need to not to not to see each other"
"grace-" he said trying to hold me
"no!"
"get off me" i continued starting to cry.
"don't just don't"
he backed off, hands raised
"god i'm sorry i'm so sorry grace" he said walking into he darkness. i dropped to the floor, screaming and crying. i wished i wasn't drunk because god this was painful enough. kian came running out of the door to see me on the ground, crying and pounding the wall with now bloody knuckles.
"gracey gracey!"
"snap out of it grace"
he wrapped his arms around me, restraining me.
"what happened"
"m-m-matty he f-f-f fucked gabby at the gig" i said between sobs
"kid i'm so sorry"
i don't know how long we stayed on the cold ground, but i do know the sun was fully risen when we headed inside. he held me the whole way. took me to the bathroom room to wash my bloodied knuckles. he called lia from his room.
"lia i need you to help me"
was all i heard. she appeared in the doorway of the bathroom.
"oh gracey"
"l-l-lia i know it's s-s-stupid because i barley knew him"
"shhhh" she ran me a hot bath and helped me into it, washing my hair gently and wrapping me up in a soft towel. we headed back to my room and put on a chick flick. i could t concentrate. all that was on my mind was i've broken myself. over a boy i barley knew.
"it's not because of him"
"what?" i asked lia, she looked uncomfortable before saying
"i know"
"what?"
"know you haven't been taking your anti depressants"
i shuffled on the bed
"i felt better and it's only been three weeks"
"i know baby but you have to. because yes you're upset about matty, but it's also because you are not on your medication"
"i know"
"i love you"
"i love you"

she left later that night and kian replaced her space on the bed. not leaving me alone. smart.
"she told me about you not taking the medicine"
"i'm sorry ki, i thought i could do it"
"i know kid i know"
we didn't say much else. we just watched endless tv shows and films. i think i drifted off at some point, because i woke up, kian was still beside me and the clock said it was four am. ha. almost funny.
i reaches over kian for my phone, i hadn't touched it all day.
i had texts from lia, george, adam and ross. and one from matty. my heart stopped.

matty:
sorry, lia told me everything, sorry grace

matty:
i think i need to disappear from your life but there's something about you

matty:
i know we barley know each other and what i'm saying is contradicting myself last night but i couldn't hurt you even though that's exactly what i've done

matty:
i'm sorry

grace:
i know

matty:
how are you?

matty:
stupid question

grace:
it's not your fault. well not all of it. i took myself off my medication for depression a few weeks ago so everything's been harder

matty:
i'm sorry

grace:
don't

matty:
i wish i could start again, it's been just over a week and i've fucked up, but i like you

grace:
stop, you can't say that

matty:
what does this mean for us

grace:
i don't know