matty healy, falling in love over night

and i love you

mattys pov

27th of june

(the day grace left)

"WHERE THE FUCK IS SHE GEORGE!" i said bursting into my best friends room after we had gotten back to the hotel. he stared at me from the bed bewildered

"gone" He simply said. my eyes flew round the room to see non of her belongings in here

"no she wouldn't she wouldn't" i said with my head in my hands despite the fact she had just mouthed her goodbyes

"so that's all i get?" i thought aloud, george watched me not saying a word the whole time

"george say something please" i begged my supposed best friend who felt miles away

"she needs to find herself matty and so do you. she's become so consumed in you. she has no plans or interests and she should have at her age" once the words left his mouth i felt the anger in me subside a little as what he was saying made sense

"what do i do?" i asked

"you live. she lives. you focus on your child and not on fixing your relationship. if it's meant to be you know you will find your way back"

"i love her mate" i said feeling about 2ft tall

"i know"

i went back to my room shorty after and laid on the double bed, the space was too big without her here. it was quiet and the quiet felt too heavy on my shoulders. nothing felt right and shed only just left. we were going home tomorrow as i didn't know if i could face that either, the quiet home without her there. she had become so engrained in our apartment, she basically lived there and going home without her there felt wrong.

the boys understood my pin but they didn't feel it the same way i did and it's so fucking frustrating, my chest feels as if  it's going to cave any moment now. i shove myself up against the headboard as my chest rises and falls quicker, the tears come hot and fats streaming down my face. i wipe them way but fail as more and more come. i let them.
i cry it out, i mumble things i should have said to her. i wish i told her i loved her more. then i remember something she told me once

"it's stupid it is" she blushed hiding her smile

"tell me" i urged her

"okay okayyyy" she grinned

"lia told me when you're hurting don't hurt. have sex with everyone or fall in love with a stranger. it doesn't matter what you do just don't sit there and hurt, put that hurt into something"

"that sounds like lia" i told her

i got up and got my notepad, time to put this hurt into something

a month later

a month without her, all i'd felt was alone. george, ross and adam were all worried about me. perhaps they should be. the days just merged into nights and nothing felt real.
she was coping.
i knew she was coping.
she was strong.
i am not.

i wanted to reach out so many times,
to tell her i missed her and wanted nothing more than for us to be together again. but i didn't. i didn't reach out. i let her hurt and figure herself out despite the fact it killed me to be away from her.
george told me she got accepted into university for business, i didn't congratulate her, i kept my distance. i was proud though, at college she took business and hated it but i knew she had a plan know. she knew what she wanted to do with the business degree she would be achieving and i was proud of her.

i hadn't used yet and i knew i wasn't going to, i needed this baby and i needed to get grace back.
i hadn't left my room since we came home apart from to shower and eat. not that i was doing much of either. the album had been finished so now we just had to wait. i think that's the worst bit, the waiting. i knew when it came our grace would listen and once she heard the songs about her i hoped she would realise that we were meant to be.

i was seeing her today, it had only been a month but god it felt longer. i jumped out of my bed at 11:30 prepared to take my time to get ready, i wanted to look nice for her. i flicked through my wardrobe and pulled out a cropped black pair of chinos and paired it with a champion sweatshirt. i obviously put my docs on next.
my hair was a mess, it needed cutting but for the past few months grace had cut it. i didn't want anyone else to touch the mop on my head. only her.
i glanced at the clock, 12:20, the journey was only 20 minutes so i decided if i was early she would probably value that. i also couldn't just sit around waiting it was killing me

i got in my car and turned on the ignition, i had her address from kian in the satnav, turning down the streets my heart was beating. what if she had changed her whole opinion on me? what if she had met someone?

my mind was running away with me once i got into camden, i saw the row of houses and i could tell right away which one was theirs because in the window facing the road there were fair lights hanging from the bedroom curtains. only grace in the whole of camden would have those.

i got our to the car and locked it, walking to the house i felt i was going to be sick. i was early, i hoped she didn't mind.
i knocked on the door and i heard her running and giggling behind the door my smile instantly lit up

"you forgot this-" she said halting at the end of her sentence once she realised it was me. she looked good, her black off the shoulder dress and champion socks, her hair was a messy kind of neat and she looked so carefree and young

"hey"