matty healy, falling in love over night

dont walk away

25th of may - 5 days until tour- 2 days until grace and matty go home

11am

i woke up on the couch, George on the other with a headache. i didn't know how much wine we drank and i didn't want to.
"george?" i mumbled, he stirred before rubbing his head
"he still asleep?" he whispered
"i um i dunno i'll check" i replied
"are you sure?" he asked, i nodded. matty was my boyfriend after all

walking up the stairs i felt a wave of nausea and i pushed through mine and mattys bedroom into the en-suite, throwing myself on the floor i began to shake and be sick into the toliet
"grace?" matty mumbled from the bed
"i'm fine" i replied still shaking and wiping my mouth with toilet roll

"i just drank a little too much last night" i added. he appeared behind me looking just as pale as he did back in england. he had dark circles under his eyes
"did you sleep?" i asked, he shook his head kneeling beside me and rubbing my back
"i'm so so sorry" , i sighed and slumped against the wall
"you said god matty you said it was the last time LAST time" i finally let it out
"i know i know" he said head in hands
"matty .. i cant" , his eyes went wide and he gabbed my hand
"grace you- grace you .. i cant do this alone" , i shook my head hiding the tears
"matty i love you" , he gasped
"i love y-"
"no matty, i don't think you do" i cut him off
"i do grace i fucking do"
"then why would you do this why would you fucking break me again?"
" ... grace i- i- i couldnt i was so scared i had everything in my hand but .."
"but it wasn't enough" i shrugged
"that's not it" he replied
"THEN WHAT IS IT MATTY BECAUSE IM SO FUCKING DONE" i finally screamed, he looked at me not saying anything while i let out a sob
"god matty i cant, i cant sit here and watch you die"
"grace"
"no matty, no" , he looked at me with wide eyes and a broke look.
"please don't do this"
"i didn't do anything matty, nothing at all but try"
"no grace you fucking left"
"i what?"
"when lia died you fucking left me"
"because i was hurting matty i lost my fucking bestfriend"
"i know but i lost you" he finally said. it felt so distant
"matty" i said completely defeated
"grace?"
"i'm sorry for leaving and i'm sorry because i think i have to leave again" , the air sat heavy and matty felt further than ever
"you don't have to leave"
"matty the way you're going you will die and i can't see that"
"i'm done with it grace believe me"
"and i'm done" i said standing up, i started to leave the room
"grace don't do this, if you leave that's it we can't fix it agin" , with tears in my eyes i turned to him
"is there anything left to fix? or are we clinging on to something we had before all the shit"
"it was shit before" he replied
"you were depressed before, i used before. the only difference was we didn't have eachother" he added, and he was right i gave him that
"matty i'm just so exhausted"
"i know"
"what if i can save you?" i said collapsing onto the bed filled with a hangover, sickness and depression
"baby it isn't up to you. i will save myself and i will do it for us" he said stoking my hair tenderly as i fell sleep in his lap.

my last thought was this could be the last time.

i woke up an hour later, the clock read 1pm. i rubbed my eyes and realised matty had left the bed. i was alone. i saw his notebook thrown in a corner. i knew i shouldn't but i picked it up. all the pages except one were gone. the page read

god i can't.
i love her, the way she arches her back. the way she traces lines on my neck and how her hair falls around her. i love the way she wears white but it always gets ruined.
and how her converse are always dirty
how she smoked and it fills her with something
and the way she drinks hard liquor to make her soft
i love her too much for her to exist in me
i love her too much for the both of us
and i think it's starting to kill what we have
maybe i have to leave
maybe i'll kill her if i stay
the voices in my head started again and i need to quiet them
i only know one way
and i know she'll leave if i do it
but i cant exist like this
with the crowded space
and no air to breathe

i cried. i cried for a very long time on the tiled floor in the villa in greece. after what felt like forever i got up. it was only 2pm but my body was exhausted and the nausea still hadn't left. i walked down the stairs to see neither of the boys. i was alone and left to pick the pieces up again. i walked to the cupboard to get out a glass when it fell and shattered into pieces. blood trickled from my foot and i stood silently for a second before taking another cup and throwing it at the wall. next i moved onto plates, throwing them on the floor, at the wall, anywhere i could just to make it disappear. just to make the anger go. i walked to the fierce and go tout a bottle of wine, i threw it out of the door and onto the patio where the red liquid trickled. next the vodka joined it. i couldn't breathe in the villa anymore, running upstairs onto the balcony seemed a good idea. the air was clean and i felt better. i slumped against the balcony and screamed. i screamed until i felt light headed. i screamed until i passed out.