matty healy, falling in love over night

goodbye and hello

"mmmm i'm gonna miss you so much gem" i said tearing up already

"i'll be back before you know it, crashing in your sofa and annoying you and rose"

"you could never annoy us" i said hugging my favourite blonde

she checked her wrist watch before saying

"i better get going"

"are you sure you don't want me to drive you"

"no! please don't worry about it, i love you and promise you will take care of yourself?"

"grace i PROMISE"

"love you forever gemma" i said completely loosing composure

"love you forever" she said hugging me one last time before walking to the taxi and shutting the door.

i had rose on my hip as we waved goodbye to her

"bye bye gemma" i whispered into rose's head
she mumbled something that sounded like a cry

"what's up baby" i asked

she gurgled once more

"shall we go find daddy?"

she smiled, she really smiled. i could feel my heart beneath me. i loved her with everything in me.

matty was still staying at our flat, now in gemma's room. i knew he'd be leaving for london in a couple weeks and so would i. i had an internship with university for a big company, i'd be co-manager at a small shop. it was going to be a big task especially with rose but i knew i could do it.

the funny thing was, i had to go to london university to finish my course, that was always my dream university and i was getting to go in the end despite everything.

matty had to go back to london for the band, we were okay though. do-parenting is actually easy when you are completely numb to everything the other person has done.

me and gemma had a long talk because i confessed to her that i still loved him and that seeing him with rose definitely made me feel that way more.
she laughed before telling me that was natural, he was my baby's child and at the end of the day i wanted the package deal. i wanted to be in love with him so we could have this perfect little family, but it wasn't going to work that way.

i was going to move in to a small flat just outside the university, my student line were helping pay for it. i'd been to see it once and it didn't seem bad. it was small and nowhere near as nice as what me and gemma had here, but i knew it was best for me and rose.

it had a small living room, kitchen, two bedrooms so rose could have her own space, and a bathroom. the whole theme of the space was modern so it fit my vibe well. my point is, it wasn't what i wanted but it would be enough.

we had a couple weeks left before we went so i'd spent most of the time making sure we could get everything up there and changing doctors for rose. i was worried it would disrupt her learning/ growing but the doctors and my family had all convinced me that i was just being paranoid.

"it's so empty without gemma" i commented, matty nodded

"i hope this fixes her" he mumbled

"me too" i said, but mine was for different reasons, i guess his was for guilt.

"matty?" i asked

"yeah?" he replied looking me dead in the eye

"are you sorry?"

"for?"

"all of it, me , gemma?"

he stopped packing and sat on the sofa taking a deep breath,

"grace i'm so sorry, i go to bed feeling sick every night because i want nothing more than to take back everything i did. what i did to gemma was awful, we were young and i was scared. but grace you have to know our relationship was the realest thing i've ever had"

i say beside him and held his hand while i began to cry

"it was real but just not enough" i said, i wasn't angry anymore, just sad about it all because i still loved him. no matter how many timed i denied it and said there was nothing there but hate for him i would forever hold love in my heart for him

"you were always enough, it was me" he sobbed, the tears running down his face.

i had to be brave.

i wiped his tears with my thumb and titled his head towards me with my fingers

"hey" i said softly

"we are a mess and i think we were always going to crash and burn but it's okay in a way, we made rose, we brought her into this world and now we have to love and protect her forever"

"i just wish we could do it together"

as soon as he said these words everything came folding back, us at the lake in summer after i graduated, the way he took me away for my birthday in the sun.
nothing cancelled the fact he cheated on me, but we were older now and maybe i was ready to love past it?

"we are always together, i feel it in here" i said tapping my heart

"and you in then" i said placing my hand over his

both our hearts were racing like mad beneath the thin skin that covered them. this was me being bare with him, i was laying all my cars son the table in the hope we could start to try once more

"you know what i mean" he mumbled

"maybe, i'm learning to forgive a lot, and maybe i'm ready now" i said

he looked at me with his deep brown eyes

"i don't want to fuck this up" he said looking anxious, he bit his lip and his hand became clammy.

i knew if i didn't do this now i'd spend the rest of my life wondering what if? what if i has been brave enough to let go just for a second? so i did

"then don't" i said while our lips collided