Heartache »Ashton Irwin«

Chapter 21- Sorry Isn't Enough

He looked flawless from behind, just like he used to. He had a white t-shirt and blue shorts. Nothing had changed about him. He was as perfect as I remembered him. Memories flashed in my mind. ”Apple?” I didn’t even realise he had turned around, before he called my name. ”Hi” I mumbled awkwardly. ”Long time, no see” Nathan said with a smirk and I nodded. It wasn’t the right time to make a joke. ”So how are you?” Nathan asked and I frown. Why did he care about how I felt?  I’ve been trough hell. I’ve cried for weeks, I’ve lost sight of life. He took everything away from me, he washed me away like a waterfall. I never felt worse in my whole life, but I don’t regret that I met him, because once he was all I ever wanted and needed. Even though, it pisses me off that he asked how I am. Doesn’t he know he broke my heart into a million pieces? Didn’t he feel heartbroken over how things ended? ”I’m good!” I answered. I will not show him how hurt or broken I am. ”Great” He answered with a small smile. If I was on a better mood I would ask him how he was, but I didn’t care at all. Okay, I did care. More than ever. I wanted to know if he felt the heartache I felt. I wanted him to say he is sorry.  I wanted him. ”How is it in Sydney?” He asked. I’ve never been good at small talking, especially not with my ex- boyfriend. ”Good” I answered shortly. ”How did you know I moved?” I asked surprised. I didn’t exactly tell him. ”Your mom told me” He answered with a small smile. The typical Nathan smile. But why did my mom tell Nathan about my move? Do they speak to each other? Nathan payed for his groceries. ”It was nice to see you” Nathan did a wave at me, before he walked out from the store. Nice to see you? He treated me like I’m just some random girl, a friend of his. I’m his damn ex-girlfriend! I don’t know if the feeling I got was from disappointment or from my heart breaking into more pieces. I payed for the milk, before I walked out. The way home was long, and I had a lot in my mind. I saw Nathan, it’s been three almost four months. But to be honest I wasn’t happy that I met him. He looked as flawless as I remembered him, but I didn’t smile when he smiled and I didn’t get the feeling of butterflies when he looked into my eyes. I used to love when Nathan looked into my eyes. When he looked into my eyes nothing else mattered. I used to feel love, butterflies, passion, connection and home, but not now, why? Maybe because I feel the love, the butterflies, the passion, the connection and the feeling of home in someone else’s eyes?  

When arriving home to my moms and Stevens house, Nathan sat outside at the porch. ”Hi?” I said with a frown. ”Hi” He stood up and walked up to me. ”Things in the store didn’t end up the way I wanted it to” Nathan began. ”Okay?” I mumbled. Nathan smiled at me. ”I’ve missed you, Apple!” It was all I wanted to hear. I took a deep breath. ”I did a horrible mistake, and I’m sorry” His words got me stuck... I have dreamed about he saying these worlds to me, I have wanted him to say this, but still I feel nothing. ”You broke my heart” I began. ”I loved you, with everything I had. You where literally my world! I’ve cried myself to sleep, I’ve cried over movies, I’ve locked out the world. I’ve been in my own bubble” ”And I’m sorry. Let me make it up to you” Nathan interrupted. ”You taught me how to fly and then you shot me down” ”I’m sorry” He said while he shrugged. ”You don’t get it do you?” I asked. ”Get what?” ”You broke my heart into a million pieces, you crashed it like a mirror and then you just walked away. I haven’t been myself since that day. I thought of you every day, I cried everyday, I’ve lost how I am. I lost the direction of my life. We made plans, we made a future together, and then you just walked away, like I was nothing. I’ve been crying, felt miserable, disappointed and felt like I wasn’t good enough” I screamed out and finally I could breathe. I have had this inside of me, wanting to scream in his face how miserable he made me. ”And here I am saying how sorry I am” ”Sorry isn’t enough” I walked past him and up to the door.  I never thought I could say these things to Nathan’s face, even if I wanted to. I felt proud of myself. I felt strong and confident. I’ve cut off all the ties with Nathan and I felt some kind of relief. It was a strange feeling. I’ve been crying, eating ice cream, and just been off, for weeks because of him, and when I met him I don’t feel anything. It feels like I can finally move on. It’s nine months left of my year of staying single and from this day on I can stop eating ice cream and cry over movies because I miss Nathan. From this day I can finally live my life as I want to. ”You’ll never find someone like me” Nathan screamed behind me.  I turned around with a smile on my face. ”I’ll find someone better” I answered before I walked on and closed the door with a smash.

I dial LeAnne’s number for the third time this evening. She didn’t pick up. It was Saturday night and I would think she was out, but then I remembered she is pregnant... ”Hi it’s Apple” I spoke to the voicemail. ”Call me when you hear this, I have some news, I guess... So yeah, call me” I hung up and looked at the phone. Should I call Ashton? I dial his number as well and he picked up at the first tone. ”Hi it’s Ashton” He said with a soft voice. I got stuck. Why would Ashton want to know that I (finally) got over Nathan? He is my friend, and knows about how I felt about Nathan, but he is also a guy and will probably not want to here about this.  ”Hello?” Ashton asked. ”Hi, It’s Apple!” I said. ”Hi Apple” ”How are you?” I asked. ”I’m great! We have a night off, so I’m just in my hotel room, relaxing” ”Nice!” ”What about you?” ”I’m great.” I answered. ”I’ve been really busy, and I’m sorry I haven’t called and texted you as much as I wanted too. I’ve missed you Apple” I smiled for myself. ”I’ve missed you too” I admitted, I’ve missed his eyes, laugh, smile, hugs... ”And I haven’t called much either, so I’m sorry too” I continued. ”Maybe both of us should make an effort and call each other more often” Ashton said and I nodded before I answered. ”Yes, definitely. Can I tell you something?” I asked. ”Of course, anything” ”I would talk with LeAnne about this, but she isn’t picking up, so...” ”I can pretend to be a girl for once.” Ashton said and I laughed. ”So, I wen-” ”Oh wait, I just broke a nail” Ashton said in a very girly voice and I ended up laughing myself to tears. ”Anyways, you were saying?” Ashton asked, and I could still here is adorable laugh. ”Well, I met Nathan today” I said. ”Oh” Ashton mumbled. ”He told me he was sorry for everything” ”Okay?” ”I told him that he broke my heart into a million pieces and...” I swallowed. It felt strange to talk with Ashton about this because I had feelings for him. Feelings I tried to hide for myself. ”And?” Ashton questioned. ”I told him sorry isn’t enough” I bit my lower lip as I waited for Ashton’s replay. ”What does that mean?” ”That I’m over him, I think” I said with a shy smile. Ashton laughed a nice laugh at the other end. ”That’s great, I’m happy for you. No more crying over ‘The Notebook’?” ”Haha, no, but I will always love the movie.” Ashton laughed. ”Good!” He said and I smiled for myself. ”I feel free, like I’ve learnt to fly. I forgot how to spread my wings, but finally I can open them up and just fly...” I explained with a brief laugh. ”If you are a bird, I’m a bird”  Ashton said and once again he got me smiling like an idiot while he quoted my favourite movie.  

So Apple is over Nathan..? What will happen with her and Ashton now? :) 

Xx