Heartache »Ashton Irwin«

Chapter 23- Don't

The weeks has past, pretty fast and now it’s only about three weeks left until New Years. I’ve talked and texted Ashton a lot these couple of weeks and it feels different. I don’t exactly have words to describe the feeling, it’s not the typical feelings that I felt around Nathan, but close. I feel butterflies around Ashton and every time my phone vibrates I hope it’s Ashton and every time it’s someone else I get a little disappointed. The point is I can’t let my feelings grow stronger for Ashton. I need to take control over how I feel. I said one year and thats a promise I will keep. I’ve looked a lot at different colleges and some seems nice. I just don’t know if I want to start study. I don’t even have a plan of what I want to do, or work with. What do I want to educate myself in? I’m twenty-one and haven’t figure it out yet... pathetic... I sight in silence. Even though I’m not sure what I want to do with my life I want to go to London. See different cultures and just live. I’ve been through heartache after heartache and I think it’s time for me to take care of myself.  London is a big city but it seems like a good plan to go over seas for a while and just be. That why I bought a small apartment there last week. I haven’t told Ashton about London yet, but I plan to tell him face to face when I meet him next time.

LeAnne had brought her dress to New Years weeks ago, while I still had nothing to wear.  It’s only three days left until New Years. ”This looks beautiful” LeAnne showed me a red dress, it looked nice but wasn’t my type. I shook my head at her. ”Why do you have such a strange taste in cloths” ”I don’t” I said as I looked at another dress. ”Nope” LeAnne quickly pulled the dress of my hand. ”Ashton might be there and you have to look absolutely stunning, and that dress... nah”  I laughed at her as I shook my head. ”Ashton won’t be there, he told me last night” I said. ”Okay, but it will be other guys” LeAnne encourage. ”I promised myself to stay single for a year” I reminded her. ”You know that you will not keep that promise” ”I will” I said. ”Yeah yeah” LeAnne rolled her eyes. ”I still believe in my theory.” She continued.  ”Which is?” I asked. ”You and Ashton. Eventually you will fall for him” She said with a smile. I rolled my eyes. Her theory was probably right and thats why I decided to move to London. ”Thats why I’m moving to London” I said. With the little saving I had I bought a small apartment in central London a few weeks ago. It’s was a fast decision and I haven’t been able to think it through, but I’m ready. Ready for another new start.  ”Apple, no don’t” LeAnne sighed. ”Why? I told you I-” ”No, you want to run away from your feelings” LeAnne interrupted. ”You know that you like Ashton but you don’t want to go through another heartbreak, so you decide to move to London, far away from Ashton and your feelings...”  ”That isn’t true!” I said. ”So what were you planing on doing in London?” She asked. ”Well-” I began but LeAnne interrupted again. ”You haven’t even decided. You can’t run away from this, Apple.” I shook my head. ”I bought the ticket yesterday and the apartment a few weeks ago,  I’m leaving in March” LeAnne shook her head in disappointment. ”I know you been through hell and everything, but running away isn’t the right thing to do. Have you told Ashton?” ”No, I’m planing on telling him face to face” ”You know he will-” ”I don’t care what he thinks, or you. I need to do this for myself! Yes, I’ve been through hell but I’m back on track. I’m finally over Nathan so now it’s time to focus on me. Maybe London isn’t the right decision or maybe it is, I don’t know until I’m there. It’s a risk, but I have nothing to loose” I’m tired to explain for LeAnne about this rapid decision but she didn’t understand. Her life is perfect at the moment. She is married to a guy she loves and they are having a baby. Me on the other hand is by myself, but I’m okay with that. I feel lost. I need to find myself again and I was planing on doing that in London, wether she likes it or not. 

 ”So what have you been up to today?” Ashton asked. ”I bought a dress for New Years” I answered. Finally I found the perfect dress for the upcoming night. ”Nice, I wish I was able to make it” He said and I smiled at myself. ”Yeah me too, when will you be back?” ”Probably two days after New Years, so on the Thursday I believe” I nodded. ”Okay” ”I’m looking forward to meet you” Once again he got me smiling. ”Yeah, me too. It’s been six weeks already” Yes, the time passes fast” ”Yes” I agreed. ”I’ve missed you, I hope you know that” ”I’ve missed you too” I said. He told me every time we talked on the phone that he missed me and that got me smiling like an idiot. The butterflies in my stomach were obvious. I floated on clouds every time we talked to each other. I missed Ashton too. I missed his warm hugs, warming words and just him. I missed that he could come over erratic and bring stuff. But I can’t. I need to control my feelings... I sighed for myself. I need to focus on myself. Me, myself and I. London is just a few months away. ”What are you thinking about?” Ashton asked after a short time of silence. ”Oh nothing” I shook my head for myself. ”Tell me, I know you were thinking of something. You always sigh when you are in a deep though” ”I do?” I asked. I haven’t even realised my self, but maybe I do. ”Yes you do. It’s very cute” I laughed an embarrassed laugh. ”So tell me what you were thinking of” Ashton continued. ”I was thinking about... you” I said. ”And?” Ashton laughed at the other end. ”Nothing really. I just...” I sighed again. ”Now you did that again. You can tell me” Ashton said. Should I tell him how I really feel? ”Let me start. I can say what I think about you” I smiled as I nodded. ”Okay?” ”The first thing I noticed about you were your beautiful brown eyes. At first I thought your name was a little unusual, but I liked it.  Apple is a cool name. It’s a name you remember. When I first saw you on the club I got surprised, but I soon enough realised I wanted to get to know you. You looked extremely good, so I asked you home. I wasn’t disappointed about the crying part, it wasn’t what I had in mind, but I then understood that you were broken somehow. From the inside out. You have such a beautiful smile,  and you covered your feelings, but soon you broke down and I think that was beautiful. It is human. We became friends pretty fast and I believe it is faith.” I smiled at Ashton’s words. ”At the wedding I figured out that I got feelings for you, or at least that my feelings for you would grow bigger. My feelings for you, today, are strong. I definitely like you, but I respect that you are not ready, and I don’t want to loose you as a friend, so I keep my distance.” ”Don’t...” I mumbled, for myself. My fast mind didn’t think clear. But as the phone called as evolved I realised I didn’t want Ashton to keep his distance... And even if I just mumbled for myself I’m pretty sure Ashton heard me. 

Apple is going to London, OMG, haha ;) 

xx