Quiet

Chapter Eleven: It's only the beginning

The week ended on a lighter note then it began. It came and went like a flash of lightning. Sarah and Brendon had been working on making sure I had a proper room. I felt as though I was becoming part of the family. Therapy was to start tomorrow. I was incredibly nervous. I hadn't tried to talk in so long what if my body failed me? It would not be the first time my body failed me. I yawned rubbing my eyes. It was 11:58 pm, my eyes were watering because it was so late. I decided to look up if there was anything about my past yet. Nothing too much other then I was a mystery to the press. Where they ashamed of me? I got afraid again my thoughts getting the best of me.

My feet padded across the hardwood floor onto the cold white tile. I starred at myself in the mirror in the bathroom. The round mirror showing me the taunting figure in front of me, my reflection. I looked at my green eyes. I held back the tears as I tried not to cry. I wondered about my parents did either of them have green eyes? I couldn't help but feel like maybe. I hated my reflection. I hated how I looked. I got so upset constantly look at my appearance. I started to panicky feeling my breathing start to lose regular rhythm. Why does this happen? I took a deep breath.

'In and Out' I told myself.

I ran to Brendon and Sarah's room. Brendon was not there but Sarah was. She gave me a weak smile before noticing there was something wrong.

"Logan are you okay?" She asked and sat down on their bed. I kept my hands steadily shaking at my side. I shook my head No rapidly.

"Set down sweetie." Sarah guided me to the bed.

We sat down on the bed together. I stared into her eyes. She had beautiful blue eyes. I understood what Brendon tells people why he fell in love with Sarah because of her eyes. You could drown in her eyes. Sarah grabbed my hand and I signed 'mom'

"What Logan? What's wrong?" She asked me concerned. I just pointed to myself.

I felt like such a baby crying to my own mom about my problems. She shouldn't be the one to try and fix this no one would. No one could. I sat and cried. My body shook against Sarah's. Finally, she pulled me down to lay down with her. She ran her fingers through my hair telling me it was going to be okay. Brendon came in eventually and came and laid down beside me. I was smack in the middle of a Urie sandwich. I yawned finally allowing my body to process what had happened. My eyes started to drift and I knew it wouldn't be long before I was asleep. I let sleep consume my body.

"Come on Logan!" A little boy screamed at me.

The house was on fire. I looked around panicked. I felt the heat of the structure. I looked around so lost. There were photos on the walls. I gasped for air as my lungs started to inhale the smoke. There was a wet sensation on my face. Tears, I was crying.

"Come on Logan!" The same boy screamed tugging on my leg.

I was at a lost when I saw his eyes. Jedidiah. I panicked and began to start to move again. I was so little and so scared. This was the first bad experience in my life. The house we grew up collapsed right as Jedidiah and I made it out. Jed climbed on top of me to protect me. I screamed and cried.

This was not happening. I was not reliving this. The next thing I knew I was in the first home I was placed in.

"Come back here you slut!" The man yelled. I cried and tried to hide in the corner. It never would he would always find me there.

"Found you Slut." The pet name he had given me, rolled off his tongue.

He ripped me up off the ground by grabbing my arm and pulling me up. He drug me to the bathroom stripping me of my clothes. He groped me. I pleaded for him to stop. He slapped me so hard I fell into the shower knocking my face against the wall.

"What my slut deserves." He purred in my ear slapping my ass. I was 12 at the time. I screamed and cried until he was done. He then stood and washed me down once he was finished with me.

I thrashed around in my bed twitching side to side. I didn't even know I had screamed. I screamed. Brendon was just on top of me shaking my shoulders.

"Logan wake up!" He begged as he shook my body a little harder.

I was drenched in sweat. Tears pour down my face it showed my past life. The past life I desperately wanted it to end. I began to cry into his chest. Brendon pulled me into his chest wrapping me in a tight hug.

"It's going to be okay Lo, it's going to be okay. I know it." He said and kissed my head rocking me back and forth on his lap.

How did he know it was going to be okay if this was only the begin? This wasn't the first dream. It was the first dream in a while but not the first nightmare. They progressively got worse over time. I convinced myself it was my own subconscious reminding me I was not loved. Maybe I was right to feel that. Maybe everything in my past life was justified. How did Brendon know it was going to be okay? I looked at the clock on the wall. 3:38 AM. Only 2 more hours until I got up anyway. Might as well stay up now. Brendon continued to rock us back and forth not allowing me to push him away. His tight arms held me close to his chest repeating the words.

"It's going to be okay."

No, it wasn't. Nothing is every okay. Not when you're fucked up like me.