Quiet

Chapter Forty-Three: From Yours Truly

Dear Logan,

I bet you are probably reading this and wondering why I am not there to comfort you or wipe your tears away. You are upset and angry that the person you believed to be your best friend left you like everyone else. I understand the feeling. I too had a best friend, which I never told you about. Which in a lot of ways always made my relationship with you complicated and tricky. I wanted so desperately to let you in and have you break those concrete walls I built up. I built them as a sound structure to let no one in. Only I could break those walls or build doors.

Her name was Ashley. She was my best friend and I see a lot of her in you. Much like you see your demons in me. I didn't know how to help her though as I watched her drown in her own mind. I swore to myself I would never let another person I love go through that. I lost myself to that. I started to drown myself and I know this is a big trigger to you but you need to understand where my head is most of the time.

I could write anything and everything in this journal. Only my father was ever to read this. I soon found out that was not the case. You know-how in the front of this journal there are missing pages specifically 10 and 11. I wrote poems at one time much like you. I wrote to them about anything and everything. Not just my feelings but my hopes and dreams. I hid notes in them as clues and my father soon had them analyzed. People began to find out my secrets. They began to ask questions that made me very uncomfortable.

No words I would, or could say, brought Ashley back. No words were going to fix my feelings. It couldn't fix my addiction to this feeling. It couldn't fix the fact I was bipolar. It wasn't going to help me to talk about it. It just made it real. It was real already but there is a part of us as humans that pushes it to the side and we never really grieve.

I want you to grieve me. I don't want to be your kryptonite. I want you to one day fall in love and remember me as the green-eyed asshole who was a dick to you. I want you to never forget my laugh. Because I know I would never be able to forget you. Your smile, how you walk and how you were a spitfire. You captivated a room without even saying a word. You made me a better person and I can't thank you for what you did for me. But, know this wasn't your fault. This is a mess of my own doing. But, yours isn't. I want you to talk to my dad I know he can be self-destructive its a Carter tendency. I believe one day I will hear your voice and I won't be there for it but in spirit, I will be. Know I am in your heart.

I will always remember meeting you and my initial thought was 'why?'. I also thought there was nothing wrong with you. I also thought about how beautiful you were and how could anyone do to you what had happened. I know there is always more to a person than how they look but, I want you to know I have faith in you. You will change the world with a voice or a sign. You made living bearable and worth it. There were more factors to my death than just this letter.

I want you to know, as much as you hate these words. I loved you for everything you did for me. I have to say it in past tense because I know if you are reading this I am not alive and my stepmother has found this and did what I asked on the first page. I don't know if she has read this but please visit her and my sister. Please stop by and leave flowers. I will admit here death scares me but having a pain free, peaceful moment doesn't. I am afraid of not being successful and this being found. I have to write this though to you. You deserve answers and these are some of them. There are more letters hid in place only you will be able to find them. Think of this as the first part of a puzzle. You once told my dad, I am a hard head puzzle that you couldn't figure out how to put together. Well, I left one you can now.

Your first hint with instructions because my room will be vacant for a while: when the sun sets there was a shadow cast in the moonlight. Go to my room and wait there you'll find what you are looking for. I hid it well. You may have to mess with somethings but it is there waiting for you.