That Voice

Chapter 30

Sage’s P.O.V.

“Ash?” I knocked on the door lightly.  I heard someone sniff lightly.  “C’mon, Ash.  You know you can tell me anything.  This is what I’m here for.  I’m like Dr. Phil.” 

I heard a light laugh come from behind the door and heard a small voice ask, “Dee?  Are you alone?”

“Uhh…” I gestured for the guys to go further down the hall, but they just jumped behind a few crates.  Apparently this was going to be entertaining.  “Yeah!”

I heard shuffling on the other side and the door slowly cracked open enough for me to enter.  I looked back to the three of them hiding behind the crates and they frantically gestured for me to go.

A hand shot out and grabbed my hand, pulling me over to the table that was dimly lit by an overhead light.

I went over to the sink and started washing the paint out of my hair.  “Colorful, huh?” I joked, but he just gave me a half-hearted smile.  When I got most of the paint out of my hair and off my face, I sat down across from him on the table and crossed my arms on the table, laying down on them.

I waited patiently for him to speak.  “I just don’t lie the feeling of not doing well consistently, you know? There’s just so much pressure to be perfect, and when we can’t do that, then I feel like we’re letting everyone down and this is all a waste.”

He put his head in his hands and I saw teardrops splatter against the table.  “And I feel like I have to protect everyone from everything.  When I saw what happened tonight and I couldn’t do anything, it made me feel like a worthless piece of shit.”  

He looked up to me and I saw his red, puffy eyes.  “You remind everyone of home, Dee.  When you get hurt, it’s like watching our family get hurt.  The boys have said the same thing.”  

I walked around the table and sat on his lap, wrapping my arms around him tightly and burying my face in his neck.  He buried his face in my neck and let out a shaky breath.  He was trying not to start crying again.  

I leaned into his ear.  “Let it out, Ash.”

He did.  It was a little sob at first that transformed into a full on break down.  He was fisting the back of my paint-covered sweater and a wet spot was forming on my shoulder.  I didn’t care though.  My friend needed this.  He’d been holding onto this for a while.

“Sometimes when it gets bad like this, I want to—I feel like I need to—“ he hiccuped and tears started flowing down his cheeks again.  He flicked a glance over to the couch.  I saw a single razor blade there and my heart stopped.  

By then, my tears were coursing and I started sobbing with him.  “No, Ash.  Please don’t please don’t.  Promise that you never will.  Nothing will ever be that bad where you have to do this.  Please please please stop. Stop.”  

Ash had quieted down and he seemed shocked into silence.  “Shhhh Dee.  It’s okay sweetheart.  I won’t.  I promise you.  I promise.”  He was rocking me back and forth and my head was still buried in his neck.  I had never seen someone with those before and it terrified me what could become of him if he continued letting his anger out like that.

He pulled back and made me look at him.  “Hey, it’s okay.  It’s alright.”  I gulped for air and calmed down after a little while.  Ash let out a breath and stood up with me still tight in his arms.  He pulled me into a bone-crushing hug.  “Thank you, Dee.  No one’s ever…cared as much as you have.  You’ve really opened my eyes.  Thank you so much.” he said into the top of my head and gave me a kiss there.

“We love you, you know?” he continued rambling.  “More than you can imagine.” and I saw what he was implying.  Luke.  

I gave him a weak smile and blew out a breath of air.  I felt much better now.  I wiped away some stray tears and said, “I know a more fun way to blow off some steam.”  Ash grinned and leaned in closer to hear.