Unsteady

24. This Feeling

They tell me think with my head
Not that thing in my chest
They got their hands at my neck this time
But you're the one that I want
And if that's really so wrong
Then they don't know what this feeling is like
-This Feeling
-The Chainsmokers
-Kelsea Ballerini

•••••

I shifted slightly trying to get comfortable, my eyes remaining closed. I mumbled and turned over, releasing a slight shriek as I rolled completely off of the couch and landed on the floor with a thump.

I groaned and opened my eyes, blinking against the harsh glare of the sun which streamed through the opened window.

I dragged my body up into a sitting position and rolled my shoulders, trying to ease the pain brought by my fall. I let out a yawn and wrinkled my nose when I was instantly hit with the horrible smell of my morning breath.

Yuck.

I turned my head to the side to see a still sleeping Ryder, unfazed by my tiny episode. I smiled softly at his sleeping face, his lips slightly parted as he breathed lightly.

Last night came back to me in a series of flashes, and not once did I regret telling Ryder about my past. The other thing that also came back to me was...our kiss.

Again.

I certainly knew Ryder would take it better than previously, and would not completely shut me out. I was hoping he wouldn't.

I shivered as I remembered how close Brandon had come to killing me. An image of the lady he shot popped up into my brain. It could have been easily me, yet again someone else had to suffer because of my mistakes.

I couldn't help but let my mind wander to the lady's boyfriend, or husband, and how much pain he must be in. The only thought that was keeping me sane, was that at least if I couldn't report Brandon to the cops he would. I hoped he got Brandon thrown into jail.

I turned to stare at Ryder once again, and couldn't-

No not couldn't, didn't.

Didn't want to imagine a life where I had to watch him die in front of me. The pain of the mental image was enough to bring tears to my eyes, I didn't want to know how it would feel.

No. Stop it Riley, don't think of this anymore.

I tilted my head to the side as my eyes swept over Ryder's still sleeping form. I raised my hand to trace his cheekbones, and trailed my finger down his jaw.

I traced the hard planes of his chest through his shirt and watched as Ryder's lips lifted into a small smile. His hand rested over mine as I placed it on top of his heart, beating at a steady pace.

Ryder intertwined his fingers with mine and brought it to his lips, pressing a soft lingering kiss to the back of my hand.