Love is greater than our cause

Chapter 35: It's disgusting

This chapter mentions what some would call 'mature' topics but really it's just one word and homophobia.

Albus POV:

Everyday I feared for Carrow. The last I had heard of him was a few days ago when he finally returned my letter, agreeing to do as i had asked. Hopefully this will give me a lead on how to destroy the pendant, in the meantime I would continue to re read things I've already read, to see if I've overlooked anything. I felt as if time was slipping through my fingers as I pointlessly searched for ways to rid of this stupid mistake. The ministry wouldn't let it slide, not for a second, I can't blame them I mean it is my fault. The past few years have dragged slowly on through sleepless nights and hazy exhaustion yet gone too fast. As I continued to grow older, I felt more and more drowned in responsibilities. I wish I could tell my 18 year old self it's so much worse than it was. But I guess this is my punishment for being so selfish isn't it?

1899

'Look who finally decided to show!' Aberforth uttered smugly.
'10 minutes!'
'Ari, can you please go to your room?' He asked.
Knowing we were going to start fighting, Ariana got up from her chair and hesitantly left.
'Can we please not do this Aberforth?' I rolled my eyes, my brother's pettyness starting to get annoying.
'How many times do I have to tell you Albus...He's not good for you!'
'Not good for you I think you mean!' I shouted
'For neither of us! Ever since mother died you've-'
'I've what!' I yelled, clenching my fists
'Been acting like you don't even care!' He finished.
'Is that what you think?.....that I don't care?' I shrugged.
'That's exactly what I think!'
'If I didn't care, I wouldn't bloody be here!' I shook my head.
'You care more about him that you do about us!'
'Maybe that's because Gellert isn't screaming demands at me every second I spend with him.'
'Yeh because you're too busy having sex.' He muttered.
'What did you just say?' I walked over to him
'It's true isn't it? I'm not stupid Albus,'
'This is ridiculous! Why should I listen to what you have to say anyway?' I laughed at my stupidity.
'It's disgusting,' he grimaced, 'you and him are disgusting, to have you as a brother is the worst thing I could of ever wished for,'
Pain struck across my chest as Aberforth left the room. How could he be this close minded?

1932

I often think of that argument, it was the first time I truly understood why he resented me as much as he did. It leads me to think about whether he still feels that way towards me, towards people like me. That really bothers me. I feel uncomfortable whenever anyone asks me the question I hear constantly, 'do you have a wife?' But I still smile politely and answer no like I've just not been able to get one. Makes me laugh when the other Male professors ask me which of the female professors I would prefer. I wonder if I'll be alive when people like me will be able to tell the truth and not get hurt. I doubt it. I still don't exactly like myself for it either, if I liked women I wouldn't have fallen for Gellert and nothing would of went wrong. I hate myself for a lot of things. But I know I can't change it, so I'm not going to try.
'Dumbledore?' Mcgonagall snapped me out of my daydream.
'Mmm.' I mumbled.
'Dippet is talking! You look like you're going to fall asleep!' She grumbled.
'Right, Sorry.' I rubbed my tired eyes, sitting up straight and paying attention to the headmaster.
The speech felt like years had gone by before it finished, afterwards, I headed back to my office alone as I usually do. Picking up the magazine beside me, something I use to relax when I'm feeling particularly stressed. I do love knitting patterns. Maybe I'm getting older than I realise...Gellert would probably think so. It's so hard to get a copy of this magazine in particular, it's the only one I can find that contains knitting patterns. It's a muggle one titled 'Knitter's Own', I'm actually not good at knitting, I just like the colours and the different types of patterns. I've knitted a few things but they've all turned out awful, I have them somewhere at the back of my wardrobe so the world can't see them. Thank god. Maybe I should send something to Mrs Bagshot this Christmas...I haven't spoken to her in years and she must be getting on now.....I hope she's well. It's unhealthy how much I long to be back there.....I visit the mirror too often than I should but I just can't help it. I just want to see the way our hands touched together, promising to never hurt one another, over and over again. It was the worst decision I ever made yet the one I treasure the most. No matter how hard I try, I know I will never be able to truly let go, he's too important to me. Elphias tried to help me in destroying the pact but unfortunately the articles he provided me with lead to a dead end, the same thing that happened to the information Nicholas gave me too. It's like there is no answer...and maybe there isn't. I've looked for years, surely if there was one I would have found it by now? As powerful as Gellert is, I doubt he would have been able to erase every single piece of information about it. Wherever I look, it always amounts to nothing. It's driving me insane, I try to be patient with it but even I know I'm not myself. Of course I have to prioritise my students over it, which then discards my own health. Sleep is hard to get even though I try and I barely have enough time to eat some days I'm so busy. It's no secret I'm becoming older, more fragile. Even though I try and ignore it. I'm trying my best to meet the ministry's standards, something I'm not usually bothered about, but I just can't. But I actually agree with them for once, if I were them I'd be wondering why I haven't destroyed it by now. I'm wondering why I haven't destroyed it by now. They know it's not easy but they can't even imagine how hard I've tried, they probably think I'm just not trying hard enough. I do wonder what they'll do if I can't destroy it in the next few years like they asked...will I be punished? It's not like the ministry to let something slide. When I wake up, I fear that something will have happened and I was too late. Of course that is never the case but I can't help but worry about it. I don't know what his next move is or when it is going to take place but I know that it will be soon.

Sorry this chapter is messy, it's just a filler tbh but I tried. Also I just want to make it clear I am not homophobic (obviously because Grindeldore is one of my OTPs and I'm a lesbian) I wrote that because Aberforth definitely is, at least in my fiction and I feel like Albus would dwell on that a lot because of how much his past has affected him.

*Must Read*
This is going to be the last chapter I post for this week because I'm not going to have access to my phone but I'll be posting the next one on the 30th of May. This goes for my one shots for those of you who have been enjoying those too it will be out on the 31st of May. Sorry for the inconvenience but I hope this gives you something to look forward to.
Ise110 :)