Love is greater than our cause

Chapter 41: We need you to fight

Albus POV:

I was surprised when the ministry sent an owl saying they were heading to break up another rally. One, it was rumoured, that he would be attending. The ministry aren't reliable when it comes to telling people information, especially when it's me. Why did they tell me the one thing I don't want to hear? Maybe that's why they did...to make me feel more guilty than I thought possible. I know I'm not going, I can't bring myself to. I'm mad at myself, it's cowardly, cowardly I'm avoiding the inevitable. But I'm doing it anyway.
'Sir?' A student asked.
I was suddenly broke out of the daydream I had sunk into when receiving the owl, 'Sorry Severus...you were saying?'
The boy looked hurt, something I've noticed he looks often, 'I said that they did it again.'
'Who.' I asked.
'James, Sirius, Remus and Pet-'
'Severus.' Lily Evans appeared at the door, a bright smile on her face, 'I was looking for you.'
Severus blushed, 'oh y-you were?'
I grinned to myself
'Yeh!' She beamed, running over and taking his hand, 'I have something to show you!' She dragged him out of the room leaving our conversation unfinished. I flicked the corner of the letter. Showing up would be pointless, I haven't broken the blood pact so it would just cause an unnecessary fight that would never solve anything. I tried to convince myself this was the right decision but it would never work, everyday I felt more and more guilty. Why do I keep making selfish decisions? I put the letter down, taking the blood pact from my pocket and admiring it. My life is one big regret. I felt increasingly unwell as I relived it, down to every last bad thing I've done. Everyone thinks I'm some genius who is capable of anything, I used to think so too. But over the years I've realised I'm a fool, Aberforth was right, I'm a fool. I'm a burden to anyone I meet, I just use them for my own selfish benefits. I'm no better than Grindelwald himself. Those people died because of me, because I was too selfish to kill him when I had to chance. Why Rio de Janeiro? What is he planning to do there? Whatever it is, I know he's succeeding. I was beginning to find it hard to breath as my airways tightened. I need Mcgonagall, right now, she'll calm me down. Rushing out of my office, my vision blurred, ignoring every student that was in sight I walked quickly, trying not to draw too much attention to myself.
'Sir?' A sly voice sounded behind me. I turned around to see a pair of bright green eyes shining up at me.
I didn't have much time before my attack would peak, 'Not today Tom I'm in a bit of a hurry.' I tried to leave but I was swaying uncontrollably.
'You look extremely unwell Professor.' He took my arm and lead me to the bench that was on the other side of the room.
'I'm quite alright Tom...it's my old age.' I chuckled, which unfortunately didn't help my breathing situation.
'I don't think it's that sir...if you don't mind me saying I think you're worried about something.' He let go of my arm once sure I was safely sat down.
'Perhaps.' I nodded, 'it'll pass, not to worry.'
He stood up, 'if you're sure-'
'Very.' I was desperate for him to leave, as I've said before, he's not the easiest person to talk to, something for I don't need when I'm trying to calm down.
'In that case I better be off.'
'Where to?'
He smirked, 'let's just say I've found a few friends of my own.' His tone made me more uneasy as he mysteriously left me to ponder on his last words. I had a bad feeling about it. I let myself rest until I had recovered before making my way back to my office.
'Dumbledore!' Dippet ran towards me.
'Dippet-.'
'Come with me urgently.'
We apparated just outside the Hogwarts grounds and I was extremely disoriented from the sudden shift.
'Dippet what on eart-.' I whispered in confusion and annoyance.
'Shhhhh.' He hushed me, 'You are not to interrupt anything I say, understand?'
I hesitantly nodded.
He sighed, 'The ministry tried to break up the rally but...they're failing.'
'What-'
'They send the regulars but Travis is on his way. Apparently, Grindelwald is doing something much worse than last time and no one had managed to stop him yet. I don't have too many details on it but a whole fight had broken out and they need you-'
'No.' I immediately responded, shaking my head.
'What in Merlins name are you on about Dumbledore! You can't say no!' Armando whispered angrily.
'I can't do it.'
'Dumbledore, this is the final battle, the one you are meant to be fighting in.' He looked furious.
'WHO DO YOU THINK I AM!' I yelled, anger taking over my body.
Dippet looked shocked.
'EVERYONE THINKS IM A GENIUS, THEY'RE ALL RELYING ON ME TO DO SOMETHING BUT I CANT OK, I CANT!'
Dippet grabbed my shoulders, 'WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO WAKE UP ALBUS, YOU CAN DO IT, YOU CAN, YOU JUST DONT WANT TO!' he shook me.
My expression softened as did my emotions, he was right, 'you can't make me go.' I shook my head.
'No.' He sighed, 'no I can't.' He came closer so he was inches away from my face, 'but if you have right mind you would.' Backing away he gave me a look before apparating away without me. What am I supposed to do? Some may say the answer is easy but.....it's not. I'm not going, I'm just not going. It might not even be the final battle, it can't be. Gellert is clever...he wouldn't rush something he knew he could play out. That I was sure of. I'm so torn. I got to my room eventually, after walking miles back inside Hogwarts. I went inside and leaned against the door, tears filling my eyes as I felt trapped. I slid down into a crumpled mess on the floor the voices I've become accustomed to becoming increasingly loud so I uselessly put my hands over my ears. They just don't understand, I have so much to live up to, I can't take it. I moved my hands back to grip my auburn hair that is starting to grey at the roots. Maybe I am just being selfish...the whole wizarding world will die because of me. I sighed, clenching my fists. No. I can't give up. Whether I have to face Gellert another day, there's no time for self pity, they're counting on me.

Oh god is this it people? Surely not...