Lost Innocence

Chapter Twenty Two

POV Steven

As the weeks of summer passed thing because more and more of a daze. I used cocaine at least once a day and managed to hide it from everyone. I spent most of my time with Sophie and most of the the time I was high. I didn't know how I was hiding it from her but I was. I would usually smoke pot in the mornings and do cocaine at night. One night as I laid in bed, I looked up at the ceiling. Paul was asleep. I had tears in my eyes. I hadn't done cocaine tonight and I felt so much guilt. Hiding this from everyone I loved was hard and I worried about what would happen if anyone were to fine out. 
"Hey," Paul said as he faced me from the top of his bunk bed. "Are you ok?" 
I jumped slightly. I had been so deep in my thoughts and didn't even notice when Paul faced me. I dried my eyes. 
"Yeah, I'm great." I answered. Paul was unconvinced and jumped down turning on the lamp next to the door. 
"Could have fooled me." 
"I'm fine, I promise. I just get lost in my thoughts sometimes." I replied as I sat up and looked at my little brother. 
"Look when I go through my stuff with Christine you are always there for me, let me do the same for you." Paul said.
"If something was wrong, you'd be the first person I would  go to but honestly Paul I'm fine." 
"You're not convincing me." Paul said looking at me. 
"You don't have to worry about me, I'm doing great...sometimes I just miss mom and dad. I don't think they would be proud of me if they saw me now." 
Paul frowned. "Are you kidding? Steven, they've be beyond proud of you. You're a talented musician and we our band is going to be famous one day, I know it, I believe in us." 
"All I know how to do is play drums, other than that, I'm just a nobody." I said. 
"That's not true." 
"How do you know?" I snapped.
"Because you are my brother and I've known you my whole life and you are one of the most talented people I know so enough crazy talk. Get some sleep you look tired." Paul said.
"When did my little brother gain so much wisdom?" I asked.
Paul shrugged and then smiled. "Learned it from my big brother." Paul said before hugging me. I hugged him back. I felt so blessed to have incredible siblings like Paul and Emily. 

The next morning I woke up early and sat up. I got up and walked out to the patio. The house had been occupied by me, Emily, and Paul since my cousin had been away for a business trip and wouldn't be back for a couple of weeks. I reached into my pocket and pulled out a joint. I lit it up and started smoking. I didn't do marijuana just to get high. It took away some of my pain from when I got shot and it also made me forget about my problems for a little while. It had been months since I started smoking pot. Cocaine started for me a couple of weeks ago. It was a recent thing for me. After I finished smoking I got in the shower to hid the scent of it. I also brushed my teeth so all the traces of its scent were gone. I went for a walk around town and found myself sitting on a bench near the bay. I watched couples stroll by and people having fun on jet skis. A couple of minutes later I felt someone sit next to me on the bench. It was David and Sherrie. 
"Hey there drummer." Sherrie said with a smile.
"You ok man?" David asked.
"I can see why Paul gets annoyed when I constantly ask that question." I said. "Sorry, I'm fine." 
"Baby, can you go get us some drinks from the vending machine?" Sherrie asked.
"Sure, want something man?"David asked me.
"Pepsi." I said. David nodded and walked off. 
"I know what's wrong. You're smoking pot and Sophie doesn't know?" Sherrie said. My eyes widened as I looked at her. If only it was just pot. 
"How did you k-" 
"I saw you doing it in Paris." Sherrie said. Shit. I had been caught.
"I don't mind, I know that a lot of people do it because of physical pain and you got shot so I understand. Just don't abuse it." 
If only it were that easy. At least she didn't know about the cocaine. That was something I kept well hidden. 

When I got home I went to my room. Paul wasn't there. I sat on the bed and whispered to myself. "Fuck, I should have checked if someone was watching." I knew Sherrie wouldn't tell Sophie but the fact that someone knew meant I had to be more careful because if someone caught me smoking pot, someone could catch me doing cocaine. I walked to the den and sat by my drums. Whenever I played my drums it was an escape for me. I played one of the songs I wrote when I was in high school and tried to clear my mind. I was so lost in my drumming that I didn't even notice when Emily and Paul walked in. When I finished I finally opened my eyes and saw them standing there. For as long as I could remember I had been the rock in the family. The person everyone went to when they had problems. I was always there when people needed me and I rarely had problems of my own or at least I never talked about them openly. For the first time in a very long time I found myself feeling lost and broken. A crackle of thunder from outside took me out of my thoughts and I jumped. I could see  the concern in my siblings eyes. They didn't say anything. All they did was walk over to me on either side and hugged me tightly as I cried softly.