FORBIDDEN DESIRE 2 | Jungkook × Reader ✔

Ch. 49 : Self-hatred

"I...Okay...I promise..." I give her my word, not expecting anything that bad to a point that it would change my feelings or else.

"Daehan...is going through a hard time...you know...like a teenager at his age..." she doesn't get to the point right away, avoiding to be straightforward. "He...he is feeling different lately...towards you..." she nibbles on her lips, before gazing at me. "But this is fine..."

"What...?" I frown with some confusion she settled me in. "What do you mean by that...?"

/ FLASHBACK \

'YOUR P.O.V'

"So..." I smile at him and sit down on his desk chair, to roll it to him and remain in front of his body sitting on his bed. "You can tell me everything Daehan, no one is going to hear you or judge my baby. I promise."

"I think..." his head remains lowered down, his hand tangled together on his lap. "I think I changed my mind...I'm fine..."

"Daehan..." I sigh his name. "I understand this can be difficult for you but...you're my little brother, I know you, I know you're not fine at all and it hurts me a lot to be witnessing this without being able to do something..."

"I know...but I'm better like that..." he doesn't make any eye contact with me. I heave a sigh but lean back in my chair, not knowing what to do or how to react. I stare at him, blankly, wishing he could tell me what is wrong and hurting him so much. "Are you sure...? Daehan...I'm your sister...I'm here to help you in every kind of situation and issue you're going through...I want you to understand and realize nothing will make us drift apart or hate each other. I love you, no matter what this is about, I'll always love you..."

"I don't know how to tell you..." he passes his hand through his hair, pulling them back and glancing down at the ground. "I'm sick Y/N...I'm sick in my head..." nonsense leaves his mouth again. "No you're not Daehan, this is what you think because you don't know what other people have in their mind, if you knew what kind of mess I can sometimes have in my head, you would think I'm a sick girl as well you know."

"It's just...nothing. I just feel different since I did it with Haechan and...my mind is messed up so...I just want to stay at Haechan's house for some days...to not see Jungkook all the time..." his gaze flees from you. "Deehan...what's the problem with Jungkook all suddenly? You spend so much time with him lately...why would you want to ignore him...?"

"It's just...for stupid reasons...I need to try to stay with my boyfriend...I keep on having dreams about...about Jungkook or other men and I feel weird...I'm not myself lately so I just need it...and wanted to ask you if you could let me go there for some days..." his shiny eyes let some tears roll down, but he attempts to wipe them right away. "Daehan...you're not feeling good and you want me to let you leave...? Dreams are not something on which you can have control so you shouldn't feel weird or bad about it..."

"Cuddle...you don't understand...what I have in my head is wrong, everything I am is wrong and I'm sick of it...I don't even know what I want...I love having Jungkook close to me and this hurts me like hell when he's acting like he is right now with me..." he lowers his head to look down, sobbing quietly to not let me see his expression full of anguish. "What do you have in your head Daehan?"

"Bad things that I can't get rid of since I had my first time...I'm scared of the thoughts I have and...I'm always trying to stay awake to not dream...only because of what I keep seeing in them every night..."

"Do you want to talk about those dreams to feel better and get it out? Is it about Jungkook like you said?" I tilt my head but lean closer to him. "You're going to think I'm just dumb and sick...no one would feel that way because of something like that...I'm ridiculous Cuddle..." he glances up but avoids me as if he was ashamed of his feelings. "You're not sick or anything like that my baby, if you knew what I have in my head, then you would be shocked and think I'm brainless or a weirdo...and you're at a time of your life where your thoughts might be going wild as hell, even if this is about sexual things and all, that's okay, that's totally normal to think about it. There is nothing wrong about that, trust me."