His Heart (COMPLETED)

Chapter Thirty Four: Hope

I was gazing at the sky above me. It flickered with a few visible stars.

My mind was reeling off all the things going wrong.

"Hey, Sugarplum. What's on your mind?"

"I don't know Gracy, it's so much. Ethan, Ryan, You. Where do I stand when I can't protect them from the world. They already seem so happy but I can't let him steal them away. They'll get hurt and it will be all my fault."

"Bella, he isn't bad. You are just scared."

"Gracy, what do you expect me to be? Of course, I'm scared. He seems so much like Ryan. He will grab all of their love and threw it back at them. I can't let it happen. It will break them. They should be safe and kept away from hurt. They're already hurting... so so much."

I was speaking to the night sky. Wishing for my rock to be with me. Wishing for Gracy to actually be by my side.

The roof was an escape for me. But now it's just left me thinking. Getting my thoughts in a complete rush. The stars were fading for me. I was lost. Lost and alone.

I stood up and steadily made my way to the edge of the roof, peering below me. Is that enough? Is it high enough? Should I? Shouldn't I"

She told me to fight the demons. I was told not to give up. Am I a bad person in doing this? Haven't I failed enough? I'm failing and I feel like giving up. The girls would be fine right? The girls would be okay? Right?

"You know what's funny?" I said to the night sky, the little stars twinkling, completely oblivious to my declarations. "Is that I'm completely sober and I want to go. Leave, and never come back. Since when? I don't know. But what I do know is that if I stay I will end up failing, but if I go I can be with Gracy, no pain, no hurt. Just me and her..."

I closed my eyes and let the wind blow me into slight peace of mind.

"Don't," I stiffened.

"Don't because you have a chance to live. Not now, maybe. But later. Don't because you have a chance to live and I don't. You have the girls whereas I only got Douglas, and maybe my parents. We both have families, Isabella. We both have value... just one of us has a chance to hope and live whereas the other's is limited. Don't waste it Sugarplum, don't cut it short."

His voice had me captured and my heart fell into his hands.
His warmth had me encased and his eyes had me encaged.
I fell, and he was catching me.

I could feel it.

I breathed out and I slowly broke each brick. Each carefully made wall crumpled gently and allowed him passage to all of me.

I sat back on the tiled roof and brought my knees to my chest. He sat beside me his shoulders grazing mine. I felt the heat radiate off his body and his scent invade my senses.

"Hope- you know what hope does to me, Ethan, it fills me up with this fake euphoric emotion allowing all the brightness in the world to mock me and blind me from reality... only to take that light, shove it far up my fucking ass and gives me the middle finger,
"SIKE! FUCK YOU! " IT SCREAMS IN MY FACE
That's what hope does to me, Ethan. Its never on my side and never will be on my side. Hope leads to expectations and expectations crush. It pounds you into a dark hole where once you've seen the light it tortures you by leaving you just a glimpse of it. You're tied up in a chair with the light coming from the crack of the door, fingertips just a hairstrand from your reach. Because that's all it does, plays with you. The biggest game of life is hope and expectations. Tell me, if you give me hope and expectations are you going to crush me, destroy me, mock me, grind me into the ground; or are you going to grab me and hold me and give me that hope, be by my side? Are you going to give me that something I've never been able to grasp, bring me into the light? Assure me you on my side? Hold me and whisper my dreams. Kiss me and plead for me to hope. Because right now hope is my Devil's greatest companion and it's on the dark side and I don't know how to save it to save myself..."

Ethan listened with complete silence as I broke down my greatest fear. Hope was given to me and then snatched away from me so quickly.

"Hope makes your heart burn. Maybe not for me, but for you it does. You have a heart full of care and love Isabella, you only locking it away. You closing it off in fear yourl get hurt. But you hurting yourself already."

He spoke softly looking at the view and i could feel the clouds moving and meticulously stars started winking filling up the dark canvas.

I was processing his words and the previous words he spoke.

" Ethan... what did you mean when you said that you don't have a chance to live?"

My mind was running in circles around his words. Trying to wrap up the meaning behind it.
I was scared, scared to find out what he was going to say. I was afraid that when I heard his words my insides would slowly sink and I'd drown.

I peered at him, and watched as his gaze was transfixed on the view before us.

I studied him. His eyes slowly dulled and lost its brightness. His skin seemed paler and he looked smaller but not too small.

He looked tired and vulnerable. And even so with his appearance, his lips were pulled into a small smile. One that showed his deepest secrets and and left him opened.

With the ghost of a smile still playing on his lips, he turned towards me.

"Sugarplum, your heart may burn with hope, but mine, hope or no hope... it's flame is slowly dying. My heart is failing Belle... and there isn't much to stop it."

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Hey so imma just leave on his last words...

Love you guys.

xoxo xcrazymonkeyx