INDEFINITE ✔️✔️

∆ 15. LOSING AND REALIZING ∆

Your cold face tells me everything rather than words

I can see a break up rising over me
like a high tide
I know it will soon be our last
but I can't let you go
Don't talk, don't leave
Just quietly hold me girl

Hold Me Tight - BTS

Taehyung's

What did I do to Jin Hyung?

I was sitting on the floor of Jin hyung's room. Namjoon is beside me, both of us are panting heavily but not as heavy as how my heart feels. I lost my child, a child I didn't know I've created and existed.

"How? Why? What happened to him?" I asked Namjoon.

His hands balled into fists again but he tried hard not to make a move anymore. "Jim hyung asked me to accompany him to a clinic since he wants himself checked and you're nowhere to be found, so he called me. He said that he has been having weird cravings every midnight and whenever you would reject his request, in which I found out that you hadn't granted any, he always lose the appetite to eat and he would starve himself until you came home and eat with him but unfortunately, you always eat outside and not join him every dinner and every morning, he would always vomit."

"He never thought of getting pregnant, but when he found out about it, he was so happy. Thinking that of ever you will leave him one day, he will have a little reminder of you for the rest of his life. I was making food for us in your kitchen and I heard him screaming and when I went inside your room he is bleeding so bad. The doctor said he should be careful and avoid so much stress because he is sensitive but he saw your picture on Instagram, he saw you and Kookie."

"He was so devastated and ruined, but even in that state, he still looks for you. I tried calling you but you did not answered me. He woke up last night and he cried hard when he found out that your baby is gone, he looked for you again, and I'm ashamed of myself because I can't make you come to him no matter how panicked and an emergency case this is. You ignored us couple of times."

"And you know what he said to me? He said, "Joon, it's okay. Let him, he won't come here, he has his Kookie back, Jin hyung won't matter to him anymore. Me and my baby doesn't matter.'"

My tears fell and I can't stop any of it from falling. If I had known earlier I would rush here and be with him. I wouldn't have turned him down back then whenever he'll wake me up in the middle of the night to ask me to buy him foods or not skip dinner to eat with him.

But what will I do? It's too late. The baby is gone and I can't bring him back. Jin hyung is devastated. I'm sure he'll hate me after this. What I did was unforgivable.

"Taehyung, his love for you was so pure but you took it for granted. I wanted to have his love so badly but he turned mw down a hundred times because he doesn't want me to feel unwanted and a second choice, he poured out his soul to you, but you ignored it. That kind of love is hard to find and why are you the lucky one to have it? You don't deserve him."

"Do you know how he envisioned this set up of yours? He always talked about giving his best to you, because he can feel that you will be taken away any moment. He always lived in that thought that he will be left out and the one hurting. You've tampered his soul, Taehyung."

"His weight dropped and you did not notice, his eyes had dark circles under it because he always stay up late at night savoring each second with you so when you're gone he won't miss you so much. You just used him to stabilize you, to absorb all your hurt. But what you don't know is no one is there to wipe away his tears everytime you hurt him."

"I'm so mad at you Taehyung. So fucking mad."

Namjoon got up and left me in the room. I heard the rustling of Jin hyung's bed and I quickly stood by his side. He opened his eyes and looked straight at the ceiling. He looks empty and cold. He looks lifeless.

"Hyung." I called him, he looked at me but still no expression is noticable on his eyes.

"Go away." He said.

"No, I'll stay here. I know I don't deserve you or your love or our baby, but please let me stay here. For once let me be here for you." Tears streams down my face as I held his hand.

He looks straight into my eyes as he spoke, "I don't need you. Go.Away. Jungkook is back. Don't bother talking to me, remember what I said, when he's back you'll have Jin hyung no more. And I don't want you anymore. My baby died and that is the last straw. I don't want anything to do with you anymore. You are the worst decision I've ever made and I regret loving you and wasting my time with you. You are the most selfish and the most self centered person I've met my whole life and I vow and will try my best not to associate with you anymore. Bury the years of friendship, because starting today, I don't know who you are and you are not welcomed to come to me anymore. Now, leave!"

He did not even blinked as he spoke. His eyes held pain and determination. And I can't move away. I can't let go. I don't want to. I can't do this.

But I need to, he is hurting because of me and maybe staying away from him would heal his heart.

"Hyung, I'm sorry.l I-"

"Stop. Get out. I don't need you to explain. I need you to leave me alone and let me be."

He pushed me out and I had no choice but to walk out of his room and before I close the door I saw him cry while holding his abdomen.

I broke down, it's over and he won't accept me anymore. O feel so lost and half of me died each time his words ring in my head. I can't repent now, he is gone and won't accept me. My fear of losing him just became real and my world just came crashing down.

Out of all of this, I knew one thing. I hate myself.