Shadow | BTS

31

YOONGI'S POV

We went for a fishing. I thought he isn't going to call me early in the morning because I'm not the type of person who wakes up around 8 am but I didn't mind. Why should I? I've missed him a lot. Since I met hyung we had so much in common. We both are pretty quiet together but we can be loud as hell at the moments, we both love deep conversations but the next second we can laugh at the most random things in the world. I feel comforted around him.. I hope he does too.

"Are you dating her already?" Jin hyung asked me. I felt a little bit shy. I've seen her only for 2 times. It just happened that she became my neighbor and I agreed to show her a little bit of what's happening around area. "Don't be shy" he added.

"I don't know hyung.. I like her but I don't think she needs somebody like me" I felt uncomfortable. I have never felt confident in my life.. well.. maybe I did just not in relationships.

"Why are you saying that? You are cool and if you met her  for two times already that's a progress" Jin said. "I know all this stuff about girls, if she wouldn't be in to you, why would she go out then?" he smiled.

"Maybe" I said and scratched my neck.

"IT'S HERE, IT'S HERE!!" suddenly hyung started shouting. He was so excited and I've changed my face expression from scared to happy when I saw a hanging fish on his rod. He pulled it out from the water and freezed.

"You've caught it! You did!" I was so happy for hyung but he was standing still. "Hyung?" I came to him and touched his arm. "Hyung?" I repeated.

"I'm not going to kill this fish" he suddenly said. I've changed my face expression again. "I'm not going to kill this but you... you killed me" his eyes started watering.

and then I woke up. I was all sweated.

"Shit" I sit on bed. I was covering my face with palms while trying to get back myself to reality. That's just a nightmare, just a nightmare. I could feel how hot my body was and for the second I thought maybe I got sick. I felt a soft hands around my waist and it made me feel a little bit better.

"Baby, that's just a nightmare" Ibbeun told me. I couldn't help myself but stay silent because part of me knew I will be living with that for my whole life.

"It's just hard these days" I told and wrapped my hands around hers.

"It's hard for everyone. He was so handsome, so young, so full of life, why did he do that" she was sad. I just couldn't find any words to answer her. I wanted to comfort her but I couldn't.

Am I responsible for what has happened?

I got up from my bed leaving her and went to take a cigarette with a lighter. I came back very fast. I touched my hair and face for once and then I started smoking.

"You need to calm down" she said one more time trying to make me feel better.

"I will be fine babe, soon" I replied facing the wall. My back was on her side and I felt the way she was doing little circles around my naked skin.

"At least he is not in pain anymore, he is in peace" she said. "Let's go to pray for his soul tomorrow?" she suggested.

I didn't say anything. My mind was somewhere else.

"You know.." I started saying. "You know when people are pushing.. pushing to do bad things.."

she was listening very carefully while I was smoking and sharing my thoughts with her.

"What would you say to the person who could push another one to harm himself?" I needed an answer.

"Are you trying to say that somebody actually made him to do that?" she was shocked.

"I'm just asking" I said.

"Why these are even your thoughts?" she didn't give up.

"Damn, answer me" I said nervously.

"What kind of morbid that person should be" she answered and I finished my cigarette.

"Let's go back to sleep" I said.

JIMIN'S POV

I was walking with a white rose in my hands towards the grave. I didn't see anything around me, I felt nothing. I was so empty that I thought I'm only existing. Since the day he left us I didn't eat anything properly, I couldn't sleep at night, I'm waking up at least 3 times to check my phone if he wrote me something. I'm scrolling through our old chats every night and watching our old pictures together. I started using pills to ease my pain but once I'm sober it is worse.

If I could turn back time..

"Hyung" I touched the ground of his grave. It was still so fresh and it made everything even worse. "Come back to me please, come back to us.. Please.. I beg you.." my eyes started watering. "Come back to me right now and tell me some jokes, I promise to laugh at it more" I kneeled down.

"You taught me so much, you were there for me, all the time. I'm sorry I couldn't, I'm sorry I didn't see this coming, I'm so sorry you were in such a pain before you left, If I would be able that time.. I would be taking all your pain hyung" I was crying.

"Please come back to me and say to me I was just joking my little mochi, call me like this I will not get angry this time, I beg you" I couldn't stop my tears from falling down. "I promise to take care of everyone you left here.. until we meet again" I added.

I was so weak, so alone without him. I didn't know the pain can be this huge. Somehow I managed to put the white rose on his grave and to wipe away my tears. I could feel uncontrollable pain in my every movement. I couldn't help myself, not even a bit.

"I'm sorry" I've heard a mans voice behind me. I turned around to see what is that. He gave me his hand and helped me to stand up.

As we walked a little bit further he introduced himself as an officer Lee Seok. I already knew we are going to talk about Jin hyung.

"I know it's not the best time and I'm sorry but the faster the better" he said.

"It's fine sir" I said silently.

"He was your best friend?" he asked.

"Yes" I said immediately.

"Did he have any negative or suicidal thoughts lately?"

"No, absolutely not. We are all in shock how does it happened" I said.

"Did he leave a goodbye letter or anything else?" he asked and it made me to think a little bit. Of course this letter existed and even Taehyung brought this to us but somebody told me I can't say that.

"No, sir" I said.

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely" I confirmed. "It was so unexpected that.."

"Well.. Maybe it wasn't so unexpected" he added and I stopped.

"What do you mean?" I raised my head towards officer.

"We did an autopsy and..."