Emma's POV
(unedited)
I looked outside my window. It was snowing and the silence of the small snowflakes hitting the surface of the roof was so melancholic. Tomorrow it will be Christmas Eve and I don't really feel the Christmas spirit this year. I have gone to my therapist a lot and nothing has changed, just that sometimes I even have nightmares with her asking me about Jack. I don't get why people can't stay out of other people's lives.
Things haven't gone so well in my life since the day of the winter formal. I don't smile anymore, my face is as pale as the snow that keeps covering the streets. I just sit at my window and draw every day, I sometimes even take a peak outside but I learned not to look at his window. His smile and laughter keeps haunting my dreams. My mind keeps playing all of these memories and fantasies with him, that I will never have.
The only persons that I have talked to are my therapist and Skylar. I barely get out two words when my therapist asks me anything and me and Skylar haven't talked face to face, we are just texting and sometimes she calls me. I just call this normal now, new normal, new me. I don't enjoy anytime anymore, call it stupidity because I got too attached since Jack left he was the only one there or call it desperation to not be alone, to have someone to hang on to, to not have to cry alone.
I closed my notebook as memories ran through my head, the time we went ice skaing, or the time I had icecream with him and his sister. All these memories, only to become in the end...two strangers that share the same memories.
I haven't talked with anyone else, I'm daydreaming most of the time and my mind is way to occupied to acknowledge anything or anyone. Tomorrow him, his sister and his mom will come to our house so that we could have dinner. When I heard that, I showed no emotions, no body movement, nothing. The only thing that showed that I was still alive was my hot breathe that whenever it hit the cold icy windows, they got warmer in that space. I stopped wearing hoodies since I last saw him. I only wear cardigans or sweaters even tho I don't enjoy them, they keep me warm.
My mom invited Adam's family last month, before the winter formal. Lately, I have spaced out a lot. My mom tried talking to me but usually I don't hear what she's saying. How did my life got so messed up in just one week?
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I was sitting at my window as usual when my phone rang. I picked it up and saw that it was Skylar.
"H-Hi." I mumbled.
"Hey girl, how are you feeling?"
"I-I'm good, how are y-you?" I asked while drawing a bird on my sketchbook.
"I'm great, listen, today we're going to the movies and we'll have fun. Ok?" She said and I just couldn't respond. My hand stopped drawing and the hand that was holding the phone was shaking. I have to get out of the house at some point.
"O-Ok." I whispered.
"Cool, see you at 5." It was 3 p.m. so I still had time.
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"How is my favorite friend?" Said Skylar smiling.
"I-I've been better." I said shrugging.
We were buying the tickets and Skylar was talking with me but I spaced out.
Adam. I wonder what is he doing right now. Are we still friends? Will he ever talk with me again? I already bought him a Christmas gift a month ago and I can't return it so I'll have to give it to his mom or something.
I don't want to see him. Some of my nightmares are about him. When he rejected me, but in my dream he doesn't leave. He stays there and starts yelling at me saying how worthless I am and that no one will ever want to be with me.
That I'm going to be alone, forever. The scariest part was that I already knew this. I already knew that I'm always going to be alone, but I have to live with myself and with the fact that I'm just a girl who barely has any friends and who sometimes hides inside her room and cries for hours until she falls asleep.
When I look in the mirror all I see is a stranger with sad blue eyes that is trying to be someone she isn't. Her face is trying to say: 'I'm fine, nothing's wrong' but her mind says otherwise. When Adam was around her she felt happy, stronger, safe. Now, she is lost, sad and scared.
That girl was buried inside me for three years. Now, she is back and I can't do nothing about it. I feel like I lost Jack all over again.
"Earth to Emma! Do you hear me?" Someone interrupted my thoughts.
"Y- Yeah." I said looking at Skylar who was holding two tickets in one hand and a bag of popcorn in the other.
The movie started and I looked at Skylar who was eating popcorn and smiling.
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After the movie was done we got out of the movie theater laughing. Skylar made a joke about the actresses hair and we started laughing.
It was the first time that I've laughed or even smiled this week. It felt so good just to forget about everything and laugh.
"That dudes face when he realized that his wife was cheating on him with his doctor was priceless." She said laughing.
"I know, right!" I said laughing.
"Yeah, you know, that chick was hot but not as hot as the wife." I stopped laughing. I haven't heard his voice for a week. It sounded like music to my ears. My eyes started to get watery as I remembered the night of the formal winter.
"Hi." I hear Skylar say. He wasn't alone, he was with him cousin, Austin.
"Hi princess, what are you doing here?" He asked as he kissed her.
"We just saw a movie." I spaced out as I looked at my fingers. I could feel his eyes on me. I didn't say anything.
After Skylar talked with Austin we got into her car and no one said anything.
"Bye." I said as I got out of her car.
"Bye, talk to you later." She said as she drove away.
I got inside my house and then when I got inside my bedroom I started crying.
I looked outside my window at the moon.
"Hey Jack, I don't know if you can hear me but I need you. I'm alone and I- I don't know what to do. I wish that you would have been here." I said crying.
"I miss the times when we used to prank each other and the times when you would wake me up by changing the sound of my alarm into the most annoying sound ever." I said while rolling my eyes.
"You made it look so easy. You were always there for me and believe me, for the past 3 years I have tried so hard to get over the fact that my best friend is gone and that I can't do anything about it."
"Remember when we snuck into your room so that we could watch horror movies when you were grounded and your mom caught us but she didn't say anything?" I laugh as I put my head on my pillow.
"Everywhere I look I see your face. I am in so much pain Jack. Every time I try to be happy reality hits me. When will I have my happy ending? I just wish that I would have said goodbye to you. I will blame myself for the rest of my life for what happened to you."
"I love you so much and I hope that you're in a better place now." I mumbled the last words falling asleep.
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Hi guys, I'll start school this Monday but don't worry, I'll post every Wednesday and Sunday.
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Xoxo- Cat lover 💜
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