Your Creation • Zarry

19. Hard to tell

Between being nearly crushed by a crazy mob of girls getting to the car from my hotel and Zayn celebrating his one year anniversary with Perrie at the Eiffel Tower complete with paparazzi, I was more than glad to be done with Paris, which was unfortunate, because I really liked Paris, and as tormented as I was by these growing feelings, I couldn't hate Perrie or Zayn, even though I sometimes wanted to. Zayn had obviously wanted to be with her, otherwise he wouldn't continue being in the relationship and there was nothing I could do about it. But even still, I was definitely finding myself growing more and more jealous of Perrie as time went on so there I was doing everything I could to have his attention, even on stage, even for a minute and I felt kind of pathetic, to be honest.

Then I started questioning everything more and I wasn't sure if I was being clouded by my own feelings or if I was having an actual moment of clarity, but I kept thinking about the nature of Zayn and Perrie's relationship. Once Zayn came into her life, the exposure on her own band only grew. Suddenly it was Zayn and Perrie, One Direction and Little Mix, and he spent a lot of time promoting their stuff and they got attention for it, but did she even know him the way I knew him? Would she still love him if nobody knew his name? It was hard to tell, and I'll admit this wasn't the first time I questioned whether or not Perrie genuinely loved Zayn for Zayn and not because of all the perks that were tied to being associated with someone in One Direction. He cheated on her and she forgave him and to me I thought about whether that was a sign of love and acceptance or if that was just because she didn't love him enough to care. Ultimately, that stayed in the back of my mind whenever it came to any person that any of us talked to. Maybe it was all in my head, or maybe I didn't see the love light dancing in Perrie's eyes whenever she looked at Zayn, and maybe it bothered me.

On the night after our show in Antwerp, Belgium, Liam and Niall had decided to go out to a local club but Zayn and Louis wanted to stay in, which resulted in me, Louis and Zayn lounging in bed, eating take out and polishing off a bottle of whiskey in Louis' hotel room late into the night. We were discussing song ideas for the next record and Louis had been trying to work out a melody. He hummed a tune and it was annoying me that I couldn't figure out why it sounded familiar to me already.

"That melody already sounds like a song, Lou. What's that song? The one that goes come on, come on, da na na na na na - " I couldn't think of the actual words, so that didn't help, but I knew I was right.

"What are you on about, lad?" Louis asked, taking a swig of Belgian Owl single malt.

"You know the one. I think it's by Counting Crows," I replied.

"Accidentally in love," Zayn confirmed.

I smiled over at Zayn because it was just like him to always know what I meant.

"Yeah, that's it."

"Oh shit yeah, you're kinda right," said Louis. "Never mind then, that's what we need is to get sued for plagiarism."

"I think we should so something with a more chill vibe, with like, a little bongos or something," Zayn suggested.

Zayn was always contributing ideas to the band that we all knew would be denied by the label and the reason was because he had this distinct taste in music that was unlike the sound that we generally put out and I think he felt discouraged a lot of the time that he had no creative input that was accepted. I admired his contributions, but it just wasn't our sound and sometimes I wondered if Zayn felt held back by that. I laid on my stomach, trying to figure out a way to incorporate a dancehall vibe when I felt Zayn's hands drumming on my ass cheeks.

"And we can use Harry's bum as the bongos solo on the bridge," said Zayn while giggling.

"But it has to be a bare bottomed and everything. In ass-less chaps or it's a no go," Louis chimed in, giving my ass cheek a hard smack.

"Nah, he'd enjoy that way too much," Zayn replied, giving me a subtle wink.

"Heyyyyy!" I whined, sitting up.

"Who'd you reckon would enjoy it more, Hazza or the fans?" Louis asked Zayn, as if I wasn't in the room.

Zayn started laughing.

"Hard to tell."

"Oh alright then. I see how it is. I'm just a piece of meat, that's all I am to you," I said, folding my arms across my chest dramatically, hiding a smile.

Zayn put his arm around me playfully, looking rather smug.

"The meatiest I'd say."

As the night lingered on we got a bit drunker and much more ridiculous. I kept discreetly flirting with Zayn, unbeknownst to the oblivious Louis Tomlinson, who ended up trashing the hotel room in a wild fit after we dared him to take shots of hot sauce and he pretended to die in thirteen different ways. It was chaotic, but fun, and I just wondered at what point during the night would Zayn and I find ourselves alone again.

It was getting rather late and Zayn had turned his attention toward watching best vines compilations on Louis' laptop instead of giving his attention to me and I tried not to pout but that's exactly how I was feeling so I just sat there, pretending to be as amused as he and Louis were. After we moved on through about twenty different cat videos, I guessed that Belgium wasn't going to be the night for us like he said. So much for being hopeful. I removed myself from the bed and stretched my long limbs above my head, stifling a yawn.

"Okay, I'm going to bed."

"Alright then. Sleep well, mate," Louis replied without taking his eyes off the screen.

"Goodnight Harry," said Zayn flatly, giving me a mere glance and acting as if we were just bros.

Really? That was it? I just looked at him, my face laced with confusion and I couldn't help but feel disappointed. I had been waiting for Belgium ever since Los Angeles and now Zayn had decided that he would rather get pissed drunk and watch stupid videos on the internet with Louis instead of spending alone time with me. This was becoming so irritating for me to get my hopes up only for them to be let down. Returning to my hotel room, I removed all of my clothes and tossed them onto the floor. I felt defeated and tired, so I laid in bed staring blankly at the ceiling and thought about how I was going to break the emotional hold that Zayn was starting to have over me.