I couldn't have run off the stage any faster than I did after our Jakarta show on March 25th. That is one day that I will never forget. It was quite possibly the saddest show I had ever performed. I refused to sing any of Zayn's parts and I didn't give a single fuck if anyone was pissed about it. It took every ounce of strength in my soul to get through that night and I tried my hardest to do everything I could for the fans who deserved it, but it was really fucking rough for me.
I ended up running into the bathroom as fast as I could from the stage the second the show was over and I fell hard up against the wall, sitting on the floor with my head in my hands, my tears pouring out of me like an endless waterfall. I honestly don't think I had ever sobbed that hard in my life. I literally couldn't breathe.
I didn't hear the door open but suddenly I felt several arms holding onto me belonging to Liam, Niall and Louis.
"It's gonna be ok, H," I heard Niall say to me, kissing the top of my head where I had two double pony tails just like how Zayn wore them.
"We love you, Harry. We're right here," Liam said while rubbing my back, trying to comfort me.
"Fuck Zayn. We don't need him. We're gonna smash this tour and make the best fucking album we've ever made," Louis chimed in, squeezing my shoulder.
I tried catching my breath a few times and struggled. I was having an emotional breakdown and I could feel it everywhere, but I realized in that moment that Liam, Niall and Louis really were my brothers for life. The minute I fell apart they were all there for me, trying to help me through how hard I was taking this. I mean, we were all upset about Zayn leaving, but they knew that it was different for me.
I still loved him.
But when everything got fucked up, the boys always found a way to pull through and be strong and I couldn't have been more grateful to have them by my side in that moment. I lifted my head up after awhile and wiped my tears away, trying to gain back my composure.
"I'll sing his parts next time, I'm sorry about that," I said, sniffling.
"I'm so sorry, Harry. I know this is hard for all of us but especially for you,but we'll get through this together," Liam replied.
"We've got each other, mate," said Niall.
I slowly got back up on my feet and took a deep breath in and out. I knew that I was going to need a lot of support, coping mechanisms and a miracle to make it through this year, but I was determined. We still had the love and support from our fans and we still had another album to make and I would do anything I had to to make sure that everything still happened. People were counting on me.
As I sat wide awake in the hotel room that night, unable to shut off my mind, I just kept thinking about the last year and all that had happened, all the things I could have done differently. I kept blaming myself and wondered if I pushed Zayn away from all the arguments I started, all the times that I could have been more understanding. What if he was still mad at me? But despite all the sadness, anger and frustration I was feeling, I kept thinking about him and how he was doing. I just missed him so much.
I was afraid to go online and see the fans reactions to the news of Zayn leaving out of nowhere, because I already knew that it was going to be devastating for them. Still, I had it in me to log onto twitter and I carefully wrote out a tweet.
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