Your Creation • Zarry

50. A letter I never sent

June 2015

Dear Zayn,

I'm sat here thinking of you because the sun is out. It's shining in through the open window and warming my skin, which is the only time my skin ever feels warm now since you're not here.

I'm missing your eyes. I can't recall the last time I fell into your gaze and I'm holding onto the memories of us staring at each other to get me through the lonely nights. The comfort I'm keeping these days pales in comparison to what you gave me and I'm just wasting time.

I wonder if you're still thinking of me sometimes, if you even miss me, if you hate me, if you've written any more songs about me. I've listened to "I Won't Mind" a thousand times by now and I'm sorry that it got leaked but I know it's about me.

I could have been yours if you wanted to risk it all and for the record, I still can't live without your touch because believe me, I'm trying and it doesn't feel much like living.

Do you remember the days when we never wanted to get out of bed? Those were some rare but beautiful moments that we shared together when all we did was have sex for hours, cuddle and eat ice cream and when I complained that I was getting fat again because all I did was eat sweets you told me that you loved me just the way I was.

I miss feeling comfortable.

You've become such a major part of me and I don't know if you realize this but I want to thank you for teaching me so much about myself and about life. You've shown me some of my favorite things like spirituality, films, music, art and fashion. Everything that I gravitate towards now somehow reminds me of you because you're still in my veins and I cannot get you out.

Everyone thinks I hate you but it couldn't be farther from the truth. I don't hate you for leaving but what I do hate is this sick twist of fate that has time and time again gotten in the way of what we could have been. It has felt like such a long war and all we've ever done is run from the bullets.

I still dream about that place we always talked about, you know the one that doesn't really exist that we just invented in our minds, that safe island somewhere far away where we can just live in peace and feel good. If I don't meet you there in this life, I will find you there in the next because I still believe in fate.

I don't know how you feel anymore or if I'm just the only stupid one who's still hung up on the thought of us, but I want to believe that you've seen my face in the sky or felt me in the wind because you once needed my energy around you. Do you still need me?

I keep thinking about where it went wrong and I'm replaying those moments over and over again in my head like a bad film I don't want to watch but can't look away from.

When I tell you that I tried so hard not to be jealous of Perrie, I mean it. I accepted that she was not going any where and I accepted what we had to do, but regardless of your so-called engagement, you can't tell me that you never cared about her because I know that you did and you do and I hate that I made you feel bad for that. I'm selfish, I know, and when I saw you kissing her at that ridiculously lavish birthday party I wanted to die because I knew that we would never be able to do that in public. I hate this fucking industry.

But I also know that you loved me and what we had moved you in ways that she never could. I won't apologize for that because you and I both know what we had was uncontrollable. For all the times we tried to stay away from each other we only failed...until now.

What haunts me the most is how you weren't taking care of yourself and it broke my heart. I can't tell you how worried I was when you were so stressed out that you stopped eating and your entire demeanor changed. I was so concerned to see you fall apart but I promise you Zayn that I really tried to do everything I could for you, even though half the time you didn't let me. I wish you hadn't pushed me away so hard.

If you remember me one way, remember me as someone that loved you unconditionally because I never cared how your hair looked or what clothes you wore. I never cared what your weight was or if you wanted to stay in instead of going out. I was willing to share you with someone else and I was willing to wait for split seconds of time just to be with you. I never wanted anyone but you and I don't know why you doubted me so much. When I said you're perfect to me, I meant it. I still mean it.

I only started fighting with you because I could feel you slipping through my fingers like water and maybe I got angry about it because I was afraid you just didn't want me anymore and I took it personally. I know that your issues were much bigger than me looking back now, but for all the things I did to you out of spite, for the lies and all the other people I went off with, just know that it was stupid and petty because no one else means anything to me. I just wish you believed me when I say you're the only one I have ever wanted.

More than anything I really wish we had talked more because I feel like last year was so hectic that we hardly got a chance to really open up about all of this. You and I both know that whenever we had those moments of alone time we just had way too much sex and probably should have talked much more. Now I feel like it's all piling up and there's so much that wasn't said. There's so many things I want to say to you but I just don't know how or where to start, but I still have all three journals you have ever given me and I've written a bunch of songs in the last one. I hope you will listen to what I have to say when I'm ready to say it.

I hate that I'm stuck here missing you every second, every minute, every hour of every day that passes and it continues to hurt that you're gone. I don't know if it will ever stop hurting, but I'm just trying to make it out alive.

I still love you.

- H