Your Creation • Zarry

82. We'll be alright

December 2019

"Do you think it's too honest?" I asked Jeff over the phone, fiddling with my rings at the dining table in my London home, feeling rather nervous.

"It's too late now, H. This is your story, your moment to find closure. You have to run with it and what happens, happens."

I sat there with my back leaned up against the chair, staring down at the vinyl in front of me. There I was on the front of it, standing in white trousers reminiscent of Bowie with this pink blouse, sprinkled with a subtle flamingo pattern on the cover of my second solo album which I named "Fine Line" and there I had signed it and wrote in metallic sharpie:

Please do not be upset with me if I have been too honest this time around. I just want to be as free as I can and I hope you will understand, Xo.

I had been working on this album for the last two years and after all this time, it was inching dangerously close to the day where the album would be ready for the world to hear. But why didn't I feel ready? I felt excited, but also extremely nervous and fearful that people wouldn't like it, or that it wouldn't be received well, or it wouldn't be what anyone was expecting. I wasn't sure what would happen, and to make it even more nerve-wracking, I had dedicated this album to honesty.

Everything about this record was the truth of how I felt in every moment of time that each song stemmed from; twelve tracks filled with both the happiest and saddest times ever in my life and everything I had said is exactly what I meant, but in the midst of my deepest desire to be out, free, and honest about myself and my life, it wasn't that easy. There was only so much that I could say about the subject of my material without the world trying to connect the dots as to who this record was for, and so I did what I always promised I would do and that was to ensure that Zayn would stay protected from the public.

Back in June I had met up with Camille and we had lunch one day and I told her about the album. I was already quite aware that people were going to suspect that the songs were written about her and about our relationship, because she's the only one that the world knew about within the last two years of my dating history, and I wanted to use that to my advantage as much as possible because I still had to keep my secret safe. So when I told her that it was like my "Rumors" she smiled, and already knew how important this was to me. Like the lovely person that she was and still is, Camille even allowed me to use her voice on a track I called "Cherry" and had been kind enough to accept the fact that the media was going to hone in on it for when the album was being promoted and for that I will be forever grateful for her.

"But is the record really about me?" she had asked me that day.

"It's about love," I had answered plainly and she nodded simply because she knew.

The way that I write songs is intentionally interpretive, a double entendre, snapshots of feelings and moments in time poured into a mixing bowl, and I wanted that to be reflective in the lyrics. If the world believed that I poured my heart out over Camille then it wasn't necessarily wrong because in many ways I did love her. Our relationship ending had been quite difficult for me to get through because I truly thought she was special and so much of her essence had rubbed off on me and she influenced me deeply. I don't think I would have been able to reach this point in my life if I hadn't met her and I can say that with complete certainty.

But it was Zayn who moved me in ways that effected me to my core, in ways that are amongst the darkest and deepest parts of any ocean. It was Zayn who formed this bond with me that felt celestial, otherworldly. A bond that was complex, yet simple, strong but also quite fragile and the fine line between extremes for us had felt like a decade long war raging on inside my heart, but what I realized after all this time was that the fine line between the light and the dark side of love was inevitable, natural, all a part of existence. You simply cannot have the good without the bad or life would not be. Falling in love with Zayn was the best and worst thing that ever happened to me and I think that's beautiful.

I learned that comfortable silence wasn't as overrated as I thought and that although Zayn and I weren't speaking much these days, the love was still ever present, as it always would be, because I still felt it, simply existing, and it was still peaceful. All I could do was trust that fate would work itself out, but being the romantic that I was, I wasn't going to completely let go of that one small sliver of hope that I clung onto, because there's always that stubborn "what if" that hovers in the air, that lingering chance that maybe, just maybe, we could be something great one day. One day. But if Zayn never came back to me then I would have to accept it, I decided, because then I would know that fate had other plans for us instead and maybe this just wasn't our time.

But to love someone fully means to put their happiness above your desire to have them. I would always want him, I knew, but we had no fight left. We were different people with different paths that we were walking down. He and I needed to learn who we were apart from each other because that was the only way to grow and I was happy with myself, at least. I felt like I was nurturing that truth of who I was after wrestling with it for so many years and that was something that I made the top priority. And when Zayn told me that I looked great and that he was so proud of me that made me smile and I still smile every day when I get dressed as I hang my purse over my shoulder.

So as I sat there at my table staring down at my brand new vinyl I realized in that moment that there was one last thing missing before I sent this album to him. I leaned across the table and pulled out the last, tattered journal that Zayn had given me and I ripped off the back page. Grabbing a pen I placed it to the paper and began writing.

Zayn,

Every day I have ever spent with you was the greatest day of my life, and even the worst of days, because you were still there with me. You have inspired me in ways that you will never know and there will never be enough words in the world to explain just how much you mean to me.

For everything I have ever done, the good and the bad, that is life, and for all that we were and for all that we'll forever be, it is in the name of love everlasting.

My only wish is for you to be happy, whatever that consists of, because as long as you are happy, then so am I.

It won't be so easy, but I will try to let you go now, and if we don't find each other again in this lifetime then there is always the next thousand. So I'm leaving it up to the will of the universe.

No matter what happens next, we'll always be that fine line.

And we'll be alright.

Still all the love as always.

H.

Author's Note: Thank you so much for reading! Drop me a message or a comment below and let me know what you thought.

- V