Your Creation • Zarry

42. Just a little bit of your heart

I woke up naked on Grimmie's couch, my temples were throbbing, my mouth was so unbelievably dry and I had to remind myself that this is why I hated drinking excessively. I forced my eyes open and looked around Nick's flat, which was in complete disarray with shit absolutely everywhere. I stood up, stark naked, searching for my clothes which seemingly were nowhere to be found and groaned, my hands on my hips standing in confusion. I turned and looked over my shoulder to see Grimmie waltzing in with a cup of water for me.

"God Harry, put some clothes on will you," he spoke, handing me the water.

"I don't even know where the hell they are," I replied, scratching my head as I gulped the liquid down, still naked.

"Here," he answered, grabbing them from behind the large potted ficus tree. "You're an animal, Styles. Bringing birds back here and throwing your shit all over my flat. How classless," he joked, laughing.

Oh shit, I had almost forgotten about Chelsea, the brunette girl from the party. I had hooked up with her didn't I? I really had no idea what I was even doing anymore. I just remembered watching Zayn leave with Perrie and I couldn't handle it so Chelsea it was. I realized in the moment that I actually hadn't had any time at all to reflect on what the fuck I was doing with my life because the band was just so busy all the time and I was just trying to fill the spaces with anything, with anyone. I needed a time out.

I started to get dressed as Grimmie brought me some coffee and plopped down beside me on the couch.

"So what's the deal with you and Zayn then? That over now?"

I groaned, buttoning my shirt back up.

"I don't know."

"Well he got bloody engaged didn't he?"

"It's not exactly real."

"It's not real? A PR stunt then?"

"Something like that," I muttered, sipping on the cup of hot black coffee in front of me.

"This sounds like a right mess. Think the two of you should just call it quits and stay mates if you ask me. You're getting yourself caught up in something that's gonna end real bad for someone and I won't say it's you but..."

I sighed. I had been thinking about that as well to be frank but Zayn and I had tried it before and it didn't work. We surrendered, messed it up again and now we were back to where we started. It was a vicious cycle and I was becoming exhausted of being in it. There wasn't anything we could do about the position we were in. We weren't allowed to be seen together like that. We weren't allowed to talk about it. We couldn't be in a relationship. Zayn had to be with Perrie and I had to be the single one that all the girls wanted. I hated it, but so long as we were in One Direction, neither of us were ever going to get what we wanted because there were too many other expectations of us and like Zayn always said; it just isn't realistic.

"Maybe you're right," I replied. "The sex is good though. Like, really good."

Grimmie laughed again.

"Better than having sex with a woman?"

"Loads better."

"Still haven't figured out if you're into men or just Zayn?"

"Well I dunno. I haven't met another man I fancied yet."

I still hadn't actually analyzed my sexuality and I guess I didn't feel the need to, really. I liked what I liked. I didn't see the point in putting that into a box, but I was pretty sure that the possibility of me liking men was pretty high up there. Of course, I still wanted Zayn over any other man or woman out there. I thought for a second about other guys, since the thought hadn't exactly crossed my mind too often and Grimmie was gay so maybe he knew someone. If I could come across someone that moved me the way that Zayn did...but no, I had a feeling that was probably never going to happen.

I left Nick's an hour later and headed back to my house. I almost went to Ben's, which was where I was still living, but I really needed to be alone, even though I hated it. I just couldn't be distracted for one more second. I knew that if I didn't take a second to think about everything that was really going on then I just might spiral completely out of control.

I walked in through the back door of my home in London and made my way upstairs to my bedroom. It was so clean, like, weirdly too clean. My house looked hardly ever lived in and I still had boxes everywhere from when I never unpacked. It's like I was never going to fully settle in even though I had my pad for a year already because I was never there. I walked over to my record collection and pulled out "Dark Side of the Moon" by Pink Floyd, an old favorite. I smiled to myself and placed it on my record player, moving the needle to track two, Breathe.

Breathe, breathe in the air. Don't be afraid to care. Leave, but don't leave me. Look around, choose your own ground. Long you live and high you fly. Smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry. And all you touch and all you see...

I fell onto my bed and closed my eyes, a memory dancing in my mind of when Zayn and I listened to this album together last year. We were sat in a hotel room with a tattoo gun I had purchased for him for his birthday, which was the day that I wrote BIG on my big toe, which is really dumb, but I digress. We were listening to that exact song when Zayn tattooed the prism from their album cover on my arm like I asked and then he got his done to match mine afterward just like our hearts.

Zayn and I shared too many of the same interests, which turned into these memories of all the times we had always bonded so deeply and now everything I loved was just going to remind me of him. Maybe these feelings for Zayn weren't something I could ever get over. Like our tattoos they felt so...permanent.

I grabbed hold of my phone and logged on to Twitter. After scrolling through my feed for less than thirty seconds I already saw the one photo I didn't want to see; Zayn and Perrie on the red carpet at the premiere from last night looking happy and in love and "engaged." I stared at the picture for longer than I should have and felt hot tears well up in my eyes, but I couldn't even hold them back. Even though I tried, I still felt them slowly sliding down my cheeks one by one.

I threw my phone and got up, grabbing the leather bound journal out of my bag that Zayn had given me. I flipped through the first few pages and came across something I had written months ago back in the spring and it inspired me to turn that line into a complete song, so I grabbed a pen and decided to start writing.

I don't ever ask you where you've been and I don't feel the need to know who you're with. I can't even think straight but I can tell you were just with her. And I'll still be a fool, I'm a fool for you.

Just a little bit of your heart. Just a little bit of your heart. Just a little bit of your heart is all I want. Just a little bit of your heart. Just a little bit of your heart. Just a little bit is all I'm asking for.

I don't ever tell you how I really feel cause I can't find the words to say what I mean. And nothing's ever easy, that's what they say. I know I'm not your only, but I'll still be a fool. Cause I'm a fool for you.

Just a little bit of your heart. Just a little bit of your heart. Just a little bit of your heart is all I want. Just a little bit of your heart. Just a little bit of your heart. Just a little bit is all I'm asking for.

I know I'm not your only, but at least I'm one. I heard a little love is better than none.