I was only able to stay for one and a half days before I had to head back to the UK to get ready for the next leg of tour, but Zayn and I didn't get out of bed much and we ate a lot of takeout, just relishing in the time that we had together before it was gone in the blink of an eye. I felt a little bummed as I was packing up my things into that old brown duffle of mine when I felt Zayn's presence behind me, his arms wrapping around my waist as I was packing, that old familiar feeling once again, his lips kissing down my spine only making it harder for me to want to leave.
"So what are your plans for the month coming up? Anything good?" I asked, standing up and turning to face him.
"I've got some things, some projects coming up. I'm heading to Miami in like a week to film something. Maybe some more tattoos."
"Oh yeah? Are you gonna keep me in the dark about it?"
"Yep," he replied before leaning in for a small kiss. "Are you gonna debut Medicine?"
"Yep."
"Good for you, babe. And I mean that. I admire you quite a lot."
"Thanks Zayn. I appreciate your support, it means a lot to me that you understand."
He leaned in and gave me another small kiss on the lips, drawing back and then running his fingers through my curls again, looking lost in a thought that I knew he wasn't sharing.
"You alright?"
"Yeah, I'm good. I was going to say I'll be missing you but I feel like a broken record."
"I know," I said, sighing.
Most of our relationship we just spent missing each other and it was hard. It was hard not being able to spend a lot of time together, where we savored short lived moments and had to hold onto those memories for months on end. It was hard singing these heart wrenching songs about him every night and trying to keep my composure and it was even harder knowing that Zayn was spending all the nights that I wasn't with him with somebody else, someone who was so beautiful, someone that he also loved and it was all just so fucking hard.
On our drive back to the airport that night we were oddly silent with each other and I started to feel nervous, like we were just waiting for that impending send off and then Zayn and I just wouldn't know what would happen next for us. How many weeks that turn into months would pass and would phone calls be enough to get us through for just another couple of days. We had had such a loving, sweet time together enjoying each other's company and reminding each other of how much love there was still between us and I wanted to feel like we were confident in what we had, but at the end of the day it was still this double life that we kept leading and I just wasn't sure if what he still felt for me was enough.
Sometimes it seemed like I was going to be tortured by this cruel twist of fate forever.
On the plane ride back to London I tried my best to just sleep and calm my worried mind as my old favorite Ray Lamontagne drifted through me, bringing me back to those old days when I used to ease the pain during those off tour months when I let Zayn go be with Perrie and I had to nurse my jealous heart in attention from anyone else and it never ended well. Some things really didn't change; not just the good, but the not so unfortunate.
Days passed and I was back on the road, back to lighting up the stage and pouring my heart and soul out onto it. It helped that I had Mitch, my guitarist, and my other band members who had become my friends, with me along with Jeff and Xander, because those were the people hyping me up, giving me strength and keeping me distracted from everything else. I couldn't have done anything without them. That first night in Basel was the first time I ever performed "Medicine" which had sent me into the most nervous headspace and I could feel myself shaking before I even uttered the first word. I had been so anxious, so afraid of the reaction from the crowd, afraid of what people were going to think or say, that I almost didn't go through with it but I did it and I was absolutely blown away with how quickly it became the fan favorite.
The fans really did love me for me and they genuinely wanted me to celebrate me being my complete self. I felt so alive and so happy after that moment, like there was no need for me to be shy anymore and I just couldn't have been any more grateful for all the fans. I loved them more than anything. That night after my performance Zayn called me.
"I saw that you did it," he said.
"Were you stalking fan accounts online again?"
"I absolutely was doing that."
I laughed.
"Proud of you babe."
"Are you gonna run from me now?"
"No," he responded in a serious tone. "In fact, I have to tell you something."
"Okay..."
"Gigi and I broke up."
I honestly could not believe the words that I had just heard come out of his mouth. It was the absolute last thing that I had been expecting to hear that night.
"I...can I ask why?" I questioned.
"I couldn't stop thinking about us at the farm and then I started thinking about how I've been pretty much having this thing with you behind her back for the last year like, I just keep doing this and it's been making me feel like complete shit. It's not fair to her or you."
"I'm speechless right now."
"I also bought my own place in New York."
"Wow, I feel like this all happened so fast."
"It's been eating me up for awhile and I just had to do something about it. I can't keep going on like this between the both of you, it's just too much."
"I'm still dating Camille you know..."
"I know. I don't expect you to break up with her or anything because she's cool and I get it. I just don't want to hurt G anymore. She deserves better than this."
"Is it bad if I say that I'm happy that you broke up with her?"
"No. Go on, you can go do your happy dance, I know you're dying to," he said with a short laugh as I proceeded to do a bit of a shimmy.
"Alright well I've gotta go. I've got some things to sort out but I'll talk to you later ok?"
"Okay."
"Love you bee."
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