Turns out the surprise that Zayn had for me the day after my birthday was an acoustic version of "I Don't Wanna Live Forever," minus Taylor, that he recorded in video format and I did happen to catch his little Easter eggs when the camera zoomed in on his tattoos, especially the black heart that matched mine.
I thought it was romantic of him to release a version of the song that didn't have my ex girlfriend singing on it, but at the same time I kind of admired the way he was ballsy enough to even collaborate with her in the first place, but I still really liked Taylor as a person and as a songwriter and her and I had been on good terms for quite awhile now anyway so it didn't bother me, but I did wonder what she would say if she ever knew that the song she was singing with Zayn was actually about me and it made me laugh. We were trouble.
I was pretty busy and spent most of my time back in London getting ready for my first solo era while Zayn was back in New York, where he was staying with Gigi. He and I were keeping in touch through texting and phone calls whenever he had a free moment, but neither of us were talking about what exactly it was that we were doing and I think subconsciously neither of us wanted to have any more serious conversations about it because every time we had them in the past it always ended up in some argument.
I didn't want to mess everything up again.
I flew into New York City around the second week of March because I had secretly bought an apartment there last year, which was purchased through my assistant, Emma, so nobody knew that it was mine, but I hadn't moved in yet and I was planning on making that move relatively soon. Plus, I hadn't seen Zayn in over a month and I knew he was there, so I held onto a sliver of hope that I would be able to see him before I had to leave again.
The apartment that I purchased was this gorgeous pad in Tribeca with all of this exposed wood, high ceilings, a 71 foot indoor pool, a gym, spa like bathrooms and I'm not ashamed to admit that it was obnoxiously lavish. The best part about the apartment itself was that it had an underground motor court and the building was paparazzi proof, which meant privacy for me and anyone coming in and out...which was exactly what I needed.
My phone buzzed on the car ride into the city from the airport.
Zayn: Hey you
Me: Helloooo
Zayn: What are you up to..?
Me: Not much. I'm in a car.
Zayn: Going where..?
Me: Home.
Zayn: You still in London?
Me: No, New York.
Zayn: Are you serious
Me: Yes.
Zayn: Did you buy a place here?
Me: Maybe...
Zayn: See you around midnight text me the address
He showed up to my place at 11:59 pm on the dot wearing an oversized black hoodie, a purple beanie, ripped jeans and a pair of converse that he drew all over and I thought to myself that I really, really liked this Zayn.
"Shit...this place is sick," he commented, taking a look around as I stood there in a Journey T-shirt and black sweatpants with my arms folded, feeling pretty proud of myself that I owned it and no one even knew.
"How often are you planning on being here?"
"As much as I can. I've got a lot going on but I'll be here sometimes."
Zayn nodded slowly, smiling to himself.
"I guess I can work with sometimes."
He reached his arms out and I fell into them, embracing him once again just as we had the last time we saw each other. I drew away from him and Zayn leaned in, planting a firm kiss on my lips as his hands reached up and grabbed hold of my face.
He pulled away and stared into my eyes, unwavering, just shaking his head slowly.
"What?" I asked.
"You're just so beautiful."
"Stooooppp..." I whined, pushing him away playfully, feeling myself blush.
"Nooooo," he mocked, followed by that little laugh of his that was like music to my ears.
"Can I get you something to drink?" I then offered as I walked into the kitchen and opened up the fridge.
"What are those fruity drinks you used to make called?" he asked, coming up behind me, wrapping his arms around my torso.
"White Peach Juleps?"
"Yeah, those. That sounds good right now."
"What the fuck do you think this is, a bar? I have Bourbon. I can give you straight Bourbon in a glass."
"Oooh, classy," he said and I felt him bite at the back of my neck, which made me flinch.
"Take it or leave it," I warned and suddenly I felt his hands traveling up to my chest as he pinched my nipples, something that was all too familiar with him around and when I turned to face him Zayn had already had me pushed up against the countertop.
"I only have time for a drink and a quick little something else..."
When I said that there was something different this time around, this is exactly what I meant. Before it was always Zayn and I all the time on tour, in rooms at night, together on the bus, at the shows, doing press, doing everything together and I'd give him up to Perrie for a third of the time but now I was severely limited to texts, calls and these short clandestine meetings late at night and when I woke up in the morning I knew he wouldn't be there beside me.
Still, I wanted him in any way that I could have him, just like always, so we ended up having two glasses of bourbon followed by sex in my kitchen and then before I knew it, he was taking off again.
I laid in bed that night thinking about everything, feeling guilty that I was constantly the secret lover in all of Zayn's relationships and how they always took the forefront and I had to see him with Perrie for years and now I had to see him and Gigi together and I thought about him going home to her after this and kissing her goodnight like he didn't just fuck someone else. I knew this was wrong, he knew this was wrong, yet neither of us were able to stop it from happening.
And just as it had been an issue in the band, the same issue we had before hadn't gone away afterward either. The truth is, revealing your sexuality as anything other than straight was a lot of times considered career suicide in the industry and to be honest, both Zayn and I were afraid of that happening and what's worse was that he had a lot more to lose than I did.
But this was the very start of my solo career and I knew that I had the rest of my life to figure all of this out so I had to focus on one thing right now and that was my new era for the album. I released the very first teaser later that month, which was a 16 second video of me walking out from this cloud-like fog and stepping into the light through a doorway with a closeup on my eyes toward the end.
And I made sure that I put it out on March 25th.
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