Five stages of grief; taegguk

ANGER -5-

Jungkook,

Mom says she's sorry for calling my love for you a phase. She's just sorry now - apologetic towards the fact that she once said my love for painting is just a phase, how I'll grow over wanting to go to an art school, that I definitely will get over my gay phase.

She says she was stupid, that she knows it now - knows how deep my feelings for you were. She's suffering, Taehyung, your mom's suffering when she sees you cry, when she hears your sobs through the walls of your broken home. As if she didn't hear me cry countless times already.

Let's just ignore the fact she called my depression, anxiety, insomnia, separation anxiety a mare phase. Let's forget about that, okay? Forget how she was too embarrassed to have a son like me, someone that can't function properly in a normal society- she was too embarrassed to sign me up for therapy when I needed it most.

She says she was confused. She was greedy and narcissistic, she wanted a normal life and upon overlooking it, she tried to force me to live one.

But she knows now. She gets it now. She should be forgiven, since she's reflecting on her mistakes, right?

With tears in her wrinkled eyes, with begging hands and an aching heart, she tells me just how much pain she sees in me, how sorry she is for not caring for you. She says she loved you, you know? Between you and Namjoon, you were her favorite.

It scares me, the way she says it; as if she could easily choose between me and Jin too.

Those are the words, the exact same vowels I tried to get from here months ago, when you were still awake, when I still had your love. But she rejected you then, she was ignorant, looked away rather than addressing you; I doubt she even knew your name before.

It hurts to know there's a human being walking this earth that doesn't love you at least half as much as I do. You deserve it, Snowflake.

Mom speaks of how my sadness keeps her up at night, that she cries with me when I can't hear it. In the mids of hugging me, she claims she'll finally divorce my father and take me somewhere pretty, somewhere calm. Where I can just empty my mind and live on. Without you.

She doesn't say that last thing but I hear it in the tone of her voice.

I know she'll never do that, leave him, he's like a deadly drug to her. Every time he says anything nice, her cheeks just glow and she's happy for the rest of the day; when he doesn't make her depressed, he makes her happy. I guess that's enough for her, even though she gets the first thing most of the time.

Lastly, before she leaves with an empty pocket where my forgiveness should've been, she tells me she's sorry you died. Adds she knows how I feel. That even if it hurts like hell right now, I'll get over it, then laughs bitterly, almost apologetically, and tells me I'll probably never get over it.

Says that's how first love is.

I guess I just had it worst than most people, am I right?

My mother explains that the first love teaches us how to be lively and treated, teaches us to respect ourselves, or not; she claims that however your first love treats you will be the affection you'll be looking for for the rest of your life. Smiling, she declares you adored me so much I'll be spoiled with my future sweethearts.

I don't like the sound of that at all so I tell her to leave. She does.

I hate her.

Taehyung