Five stages of grief; taegguk

BARGAINING -1-

Dear Jungkook,

when I say it like that, it sounds awfully similar to that one movie called Dear John. Have you ever watched it?

I know you did. We did it together.

At that time I would've never thought I'd have to write to you like this. That you'll be so far away my spoken words can't reach you.

But it happens sometimes, right? When you take things for granted, when you avert your eyes or close them to laugh. It's strange, you know, being happy. It's strange because I never got to experience it before I met you and then suddenly I had everything I've ever wanted - the world didn't seem perfect through my eyes before you were in it.

And it's fine.

You're gone and so is that distant feeling of being happy, but it's fine.

There was a time of my life when I didn't know you and I lived, as strange as it sounds, and as far away as it seems to be. If I managed to smile back then, how can I not now?

It's fine, Jungkookie.

Besides, it still doesn't feel like you're dead. At the back of my mind, there are still delusional guesings and wishes of a situation that much different. Like maybe your mother finally decided to make another step, so she forced your brother to lie to me as if you died all of a sudden.

Or maybe, you know, you did die and just as the doctors announced your death, and your family cried, and you brother called mine, you started to breathe again. Namjoon was so delighted about it that he forgot to tell me.

The last one, the one I loathe the most but still can't not wish it's true- maybe, just maybe you grew tired of loving me. What if starting a new life in Canada made you realize just how much I was holding you back all this time? 

You could already have another love for all I know, you could already be happy. Which is fine too.

There isn't a single thing that would disappoint me if I found out you're still alive. If leaving me is the choice you're taking that so be it. Just not like this.

For the love of god, not like this, Jungkookie.

Don't die. Please.

Sincerely yours,

Taehyung