Five stages of grief; taegguk

ANGER -9-

Jungkook, hi!

It's me, Jimin. Well, I doubt you even know who I am but I should introduce myself just in case Tae ever mentioned me. Lol, I guess it won't kill me if I tell you something more about myself.

I just reconsidered my last sentence ...

I'm sorry I sound so insensitive; I probably shouldn't mention death so carelessly, and I really learned to push it down lately when I'm with Tae, you know - not mentioning dying and stuff. So when he's not around, it just comes out.

I apologize, I've never spoken to a dead person before. I hope you learn to like me eventually and not suffocate me when I'm asleep, I guess?

Lol, another bad joke- I don't actually sleep because I have insomnia, so if that was your plan all along I'm sorry to break it to you but it won't be possible to catch me off guard.

Anyways (I'm a bit spacey because, again, I do not sleep (at all)) as I was saying, my name is Jimin but you can call me Chim or Jiminie or whatever version of my name you like the most if you promise to be nice to me and never call me a midget. Or small. Or, you know, shorty.

I'm 17, born the same year as your boyfriend, and single as fuck. I don't even remember a time when I wasn't single as fuck, so you must know my struggle. There's someone I really really like but I doubt it's ever happening so I don't actually need to tell you who it is, though you're uh unable to tell anyone.

I have a younger sister that truly stresses me out beyond comprehension; she's five and she's only now learning about boys and the troubles they bring. You know, I used to hate kids but after I realized I'm not interested in woman and therefore won't be able to have my own, I think the whole vision of having children changed for me.

It became something I can't have, that's why I now crave it.

But you know what, I'm only 17 and one can never tell what life's bringing your way.

Um, what else? Oh, my favorite color is orange - I have tons of orange sweaters and T-shirts and even though my friends tease me about it all the time, my crush says I look good in it, so it really gives me no choice.

I also like greens and purples but I don't really feel it these days. 

I have two best friends - your boyfriend and Jung Hoseok; they make out the group of my only friends, so apart from describing those two, I really have nothing to say. Jung Hoseok is a person I met on an accident if I'm allowed to say it that way, and we clicked instantly. He was attending one of my scheduled therapies, and someone, for a reason unknown to both of us, assumed we were boyfriends.

Crazy, right? We weren't even talking to each other.

Turns out Hoseok is a great guy with admittedly a few mood swings and clinical depression, but hey, aren't we all broken in some way, to some extent? He's sweet, caring, warm, and much to my happiness, also my crush's neighbor. Now I'm over at his house almost every day and let me tell you, his mother bakes mouthwatering cookies, damn.

Lol.

By now you're probably wondering why I'm the one writing this letter instead of Tae ... I really hope you didn't find my writing boring. Though if you did, I don't mind.

The thing is ... The thing is Taehyung's in a hospital right now. He's on intense care so I don't think he'll be able to write to you anytime soon, I'm sorry. His mother sent me to their house to pick up some extra clothes and I found a letter on his desk; decided I should help somehow. 

A few weeks ago, when Tae heard you're no longer with us, he shut himself out completely, keeping a distance from everyone that tried to help him. I thought maybe if I just give him time he'll come along, you know? Maybe he'll realize I love him and would do anything for him.

I wanted to comfort him so badly because, honestly, how can one live through their first love dying? But he didn't let me. He didn't let anyone, after all, so the consequences were to happen eventually.

It was his mother that found him, you know. I can't imagine how it must've been for her to find her youngest son drenched in blood on his bedroom floor, still sobbing though barely breathing.  She must've been terrified, frozen; she was crying so hard when I arrived at the hospital that I can barely believe she managed to call the ambulance at that very moment.

Taehyung once told me she's not that good of a mother- but wanting your child to survive, I believe you don't need to be a good parent to desire it.

His father was nowhere to be found but that's okay, you don't need to worry, Jungkook - Taehyung had his mother, and me, and Hoseok. We were all there to support him through it.

The doctor said he slit his wrists, as if we couldn't already see it, said he'll have to stay in the hospital for quite some time, attend some psychologist appointments. That's a cheap price, I think. He's alive, and though it means close to nothing for him, it sure does mean everything to me.

When he woke up he didn't want to talk to anyone but that's okay - he's just so angry right now. He's angry at the world, Jungkook, angry at you and angry at himself for letting you die.

I'm sure it wasn't easy for him to know that you had that accident when driving to his birthday; everyone can see that it wasn't his fault for any of it but agony clouding your vision and mind, how would you feel?

But don't worry, I'm taking this matter very seriously. Taehyung once told me that you were insanely in love with life, so my next mission is to make him fall in love with living all over again. I won't let you down, I promise.

In the meantime, you could spook him or haunt him when he's asleep or something? I'm sure it would make him happy. 

Until we meet, Jungkookie,

Park Jimin