Five stages of grief; taegguk

BARGAINING -2-

My lovely Kookie,

I wasn't going to tell you but I've just discovered Jimin's letters to you yesterday. So he told you, huh? I guess I really can't keep any secrets from you.

Yeah, I was in a hospital for quite some time. Why or how I really don't want to talk about that. You already know anyways. 

Are you disappointed? You are. I know, I was too. Because even as I was doing it, even as I told myself 'today is the day', it didn't feel good- because I knew you were out there somewhere waiting for me to finish my homework so we can argue over whether mint-chocolate ice-cream should exist or not, only so we can both order it later and smear it over each other's lips; so we have an excuse to kiss until the last rays of sunshine disperse into the night.

You were outside my bedroom window, knocking with bruised knuckles, smiling as I looked at you and told you with my lips I'm not opening it for you, how you should use the front door for a change.

I think that's what broke me that day. I believed so much you were there that as I glanced over to the window and didn't see you, it shattered the last that was left of my heart, and I wanted to leave with you.

I thought, if you didn't want to stay, then why should I?

And really, to be completely honest, my thoughts haven't changed since then. I still don't want to be left behind.

But I guess I have no choice, and even as it hurts to admit it, I now see that there are other things that demand my existance. Other human beings.

While you were teaching me how to love, not only did I start loving you, but I also found adoration for other people, and though you're gone from my sight, they remain.

Jimin. Hoseok. That one girl that borrowed my pencil in maths class.

My duty now is to protect them - so they can never leave me the way that you did.

Your Taehyung