Five stages of grief; taegguk

BARGAINING -5-

Dear Snowflake!

Today was one of the best days since you left. I can't really explain it, I just feel much better, as if the once endless pain of loving you now has a limit, an extreme to which it is allowed to ache and bruise.

If I was a painting, I'd be a canvas of blues, light hues of greens, and warm orange because somehow loving and missing you bruises, darling, as if in a hurtful way you're marking me to be yours. Had I been art, the colors would bleed in me, my blood would pour down in red, and my portrait would fade in gloom smoke torture. Lived I being art, I'd be a sad picture, and my glow would make people bawl their eyes out.

But today I wasn't a painting. Today, I simply existed as a sketch. 

It was nice, for a day, not to think of you.

I spent my morning rewatching The untamed with Jimin and Hoseok. Neither of them likes the show because it's, apparently, 'too bitter to be watched' and due to everyone dying, but I can't, for the life of me, stop watching it. 

The tragic love story of Xue Yang and Xiao Xingchen just wakes up something deep inside of me. Being an evil freak, the character of Xue Yang shouldn't speak to me the way it does. It just does.

He's pretty, I guess. Has bunny teeth just like you.

After Netflix and chill with my new friends, my mom came to visit. Dad wasn't with her, as he never is, but today was somehow different from the other days. She refused to speak of him, and the two-hour-long visit was spent pretending he doesn't exist.

It was cool, comforting. Is it wrong to wish it was always like this?

Jin called, too. Though he's now slightly reserved when talking to me, as if he's constantly afraid to break me, he was strangely light today. He too fell into the day's mood.

He's talking to a girl, he told me. She's a cute little nerd with small glasses and freckles and a blazing spark in her eyes. A year older than him. Comforting. Here.

Judging by his tone I instantly knew he feels guilty treasuring someone else, someone that isn't your brother. Or maybe he doesn't care about him anymore and feels guilty because of me.

Because of us.

Because his freckled girl remains and survives and though he knows not if she fancies him, he still stands a chance. I don't. 

However, my brother finding love and home again in a person, it makes me rather happy than disappointed. I've been thinking about it - if I can't fall in love myself, then why wouldn't I do it with him? Through him?

There is a chance I might feel affection if he feels it too. Does that make sense? 

I don't really know, really, I'm too tired to think right now. Too exhausted of being happy today.

Because right now, as I'm writing this letter to you, I weep and bleed again, for you, on the canvas. Unhappy.

Yours truly,

your sunshine

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day 1 of updating every day. I can do this! let's get it :)