Five stages of grief; taegguk

DEPRESSION -5-

Little Jungkookie,

Hi! Seokjin here!!

I really miss you and I wish you were here right now. Don't worry, nothing's wrong with your boyfriend ... Well, at least not on the outside.

I have helped him shower this morning, fed him yummy raspberry granola bars, and chocolate pudding for breakfast, and then we watched Disney!

(And then I cried because??? why would anyone want to kill Bambi's mother?? that's just messed up)

So, we did quite a lot for one day, wouldn't you agree?

He hasn't spoken a word or made it clear whether he's listening to me rant, but he was rather obedient today. Ate like a good boy too.

I'm writing because I've noticed he's been struggling with the urge to write you a letter for a few days now. He easily gets frustrated because he can't. 

He writes a sentence or a half and then just ... gives up.

So in order for you to not feel lonely up in that heaven of yours, I've decided to write you something of my own!!!! 

It's been near to three weeks since mom quite literally yanked us both out of our routine and forced us to this 'lovely', 'picture perfect' countryside that's actually just really muddy, filled with bugs and smells of horse shit. 

I really hope she was spewing out those adjectives just to calm us down not because she actually believes them, the environment we've moved into being absolutely hideous.

The farm is spacious and you can never really see the end of it, especially with all those animals running around. We have ... uh, let me think what we have ...

Big brown horses and really loud cows that just won't shut up in the morning, and like thousands of dogs and cats, but the worst ... THE ABSOLUTE WORST ... are the chicken!!

It'd be very helpful if you could do research in my place and ask god up there if those animals are actually the spawns of satan himself. Because they are. Even if the creator tries to convince you otherwise.

They just flutter around, and try to eat??? my shoes and then just like yell and cry for no reason at all??? And to top it all, they're incredibly stupid - I could give them a stone and tell them it's food and they'd eat it.

Mom's friend though, the one we moved in with, is a great warm man. He's our mother's age and they used to go to college together. Even though you can see he's not used to living with such an amount of people, he's mostly just quietly observing us and not poking his nose into our business. He tries, I can see that.

Maybe one day in the future we can actually become a family. 

For starters, I was convinced mom is actually secretly dating him and has been for a long time because how could she arrange for us to move there in such a short amount of time? And truth be told, I was kind of put off by it. Kinda hurt. Disappointed too.

Still, seeing them interact on a daily basis, from the moment my toes touch the floor in the morning and to when I close my eyes at night, I now realize they love each other deeply. 

Maybe in two completely different ways but for now, things between them are strictly platonic.

I'm not saying I'd love it if she fell in love with this man (that's so obviously head over heels for her, probably ever since college) but being stuck in a loveless marriage for 20 years, I think she more than deserves it. 

We do have a bunch of people that deserve all the affection they can get in this house, am I right?

Anyways, we are completely cut off from the rest of the world and I even had to leave my car in the town that's 40 minutes by foot away, because there's no road that I could drive on to our house. 

At least there's wifi. I could film aesthetic little TikToks about nature and stuff.

It will be quite a bonding experience once mom sends me and Tae grocery shopping, walking miles and miles to the nearest convenience store, and I honestly can't wait. I've never been the one for sports so is it weird if I'm actually looking forward to it?

Nevertheless, that situation currently seems out of reach - Tae doesn't really leave his bed, and even if he did, he wouldn't talk to me more than necessary.

I feel guilty because I am part of the reason for his misery. I and your brother both are. 

You know, I've always considered Namjoon my first love and even the reason I believe in such a wonder. He has always been a miracle all in all - like a waterfall, whose water hitting the ground is so roaring, so incredibly resounding the ground is shaking beneath your feet, and it's the only thing you can hear. My love for your brother was far too magical to be described with stars or the moon or the infinite galaxies, and he filled me, strangely, with ugly stains of various colors and bliss, that's how there was a time when I thought living on without him would just be absurd.

I loved your brother deeply, Jungkook, and he will always have a special place in my heart.

However, if there was any chance, the slightest gap in reality, I would rather never meet him than cause my brother this much pain. I would rather you have never met him either.

Call me selfish all you want. Have there not been you, he would lead a completely different life.

But I don't hate you, sweetie, oh no, I could never; for you were the one that once made him happy, and I'm sure once he gets over you the memories will again cause him joy. 

I knew you even before Tae did and I still remember the small bashful boy with hair too long for his face and body too lanky to not be clumsy; I remember the adorable child that begged me not to tell my brother he's completely hopelessly in love with him after I saw you staring at the mop of his hair as if he's your whole world.

I'm not stupid, Kookie, and I know you adored Taehyung maybe just the slightest bit more than he adored you; and maybe in place of that unworldly veneration that you held for him, he got this pain. And this sorrow.

Maybe I couldn't change anything even if I lived again. Maybe this was meant to be.

Expect to hear from me tomorrow!!!

your hyung

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fun fact: when I was writing the 'i'm not stupid, kookie' sentence, I started crying lol life is great