Five stages of grief; taegguk

BARGAINING -9-

Dear Snowflake!

I guess I owe you an apology. Every time I feel bad or left behind or even just exhausted enough for it to hurt, I let it out on you.

Because it's easy, you know, to blame you for everything when you're not here. It's effortless to be mad at you when I can't see your wide smile and the way your eyes sparkle when you look at me. 

It's easy to pretend I don't love you anymore as much as it's easy to blame you for everything. 

The hardest thing that I'll ever have to do is walk away from you. 

People say the most terrible thing to expect from your heart is for it to grieve the loss of a person that's still alive. But did those people ever lose the love of their life? Did they ever see their loved one in the rain, day 313 of missing them, only to realize it was only just an illusion? That it was someone else, with somebody else on their mind and in their heart ...

I envy those people, you know... Envy them for not losing someone like you. 

As I was saying, yesterday wasn't the best day for me, no, quite the opposite. The school was okay and quiet and nice but then suddenly it wasn't okay anymore, and all of a sudden it was more suffocating than just bad.

This girl (I don't really remember her name, obviously it isn't so important to me) came up to me and said her mother told her my parents were getting divorced. Asked me if it was true.

And I laughed because it was funny.

But then I cried because it swiftly wasn't as funny anymore.

My cries died down only when I was back home, back between the choking walls of our pictures and your presence, and I realized dad wasn't home again. Wasn't for the past few days, so long it made me wonder if he thinks I've died too.

Mother was sitting at the dining table when I came, hands squaring her round old face as if she already knew what was happening as if she could feel my pain and confusion miles and miles away.

We were just looking at each other for quite some time. She was looking at me and the lunch was burning in the kitchen. I was looking at her and the tears were streaming down my cheeks, frantic Jimin yelling at me from the phone I was still holding against my ear.

She said nothing and I understood everything.

Tae