Five stages of grief; taegguk

BARGAINING -6-

Dear Snowflake!

I'm finally getting sent home from the hospital! 

I'm going home, to my bed, and my window, and the smell of coffee and the framed pictures of you on the table.

The one picture that I took of you when we went hiking and you wore those hideous grey sweatpants of yours that make your legs look really short and really devastatingly cute. You're smiling towards the camera, your hair fluffed across the wide expanse of your forehead, swapped aside in the middle from where I used to kiss you.

It's the day you proposed to me. Do you remember?

You wore that same pants and that exact identical joyful smile when you ducked down to one knee, and I remember seeing the ring you were holding up, but I also recall only looking at you.

You that was so breathtakingly beautiful.

You that I loved so fucking much my heart was bursting at the patched seams.

I remember thinking there was no sun that was worth shining upon you, no such air that was worth each one of your intakes. There existed no me that deserved you. 

I remind myself of those thoughts, remind myself of the way loving you was so simple.

We were sixteen that day, love, and though it feels as if it happened years and years back as if I'm an old man now, one whose lover died long ago. But it was not two years ago. It was not one blink away.

I remember the day I chuckled and said yes to the promise your eyes kept, yes to the eternity with you by my side. Oh, how ironic it seems now.

Because sometimes eternity doesn't last long. Sometimes it only lasts a sweet second, so short you barely have a taste of it. 

Occasionally forever doesn't mean being together permanently- it just means remembering till the end of time.

And it's okay, Jungkook. Besides, I'll have those memories evermore.

So your ring wasn't really expensive, you said. It wasn't an actual ring, and the vow didn't mean to marry me right that moment. It was a promise ring, meant to tell me you intended on doing it someday. 

We were sixteen and you were thinking of your whole life spent with me.

I remember just thinking ... the same way I often did when we were standing at the kitchen counter washing the dishes ... when we were studying together and you fell asleep while sitting up ... every time you smiled at me and every single moment you spent crying on my bed because life just didn't seem to stop disappointing you ...

You are the love of my life. 

Since day one and time and time again, our first, last, and every kiss in between, you are. The love of my life.

See you soon,

Your worshiper