Five stages of grief; taegguk

ANGER -10-

Jungkookie!

I can call you that, right? If you don't like the nickname, please move the third painting on my right, the one with the blue duck and dandelion on it.

Okay, so I've been waiting for 3 minutes and nothing moved so I guess you don't hate it? Lol, thanks though, I think I would've pissed my pants if anything fell down right now.

And I doubt Tae would appreciate the stains on his new fluffy grey carpet despite the good terms we're on right now.

Yeah, you heard me right - Tae and I are friends again, as strange as it may seem. I thought it would be hard to get him out of his shell, you know, since both his mother and brother are trying day and night to stop him from crying, but really, it only took a well-hidden thermos bottle of iced coffee (yeah, I basically had to sneak it in since the Karens in the reception think it's better he gets no caffeine) and a silent look. He then, no questions asked, moved a little to the side so I could take a seat by him on the bed.

I think he didn't want me to touch him but, honestly man, I couldn't stop myself. I hugged him, hard, tight, as I wanted to the moment we fought that night; and he stilled completely- I could feel his frantic heartbeat by my ear.

He was scared of me. I'm no psychotherapist but I can tell he's afraid to love.

That's okay though because I have my best friend back, and though it's mean to compare those two, between me and him that lost his boyfriend (read: you), I'm winning at life. No offense.

Taehyung never talks of you now, just so you know - and I don't want you to be sad about it, it's just that he's trying to cope with ... you know, that. In his own way, he's trying to swallow the fact you're not here anymore, and he's doing it in the most agonizing way there is.

My heart hurts just looking at him.

I wish he'd fall in love with me so I could heal him, but I'm no moron, Jungkookie, I see there will be no one else for him, at least not for now. It's a bit depressing to see how living managed to break a fresh young soul, barely on the doorstep of life. Or you did that.

Lately, Taehyung's been watching this Chinese show called The untamed, and every day he spends 20 minutes explaining to me what had happened, which of the characters has the best background story and so on and so on. It has 50 episodes, I think, and he's seen at least 35 in the short span of three days.

It even went as far as me being obligated to google who Xue Yang and Xiao Xingchen were and "wouldn't they look great together, Jiminie?"

They die, at the end.

They both die.

I don't have the heart to tell him.

Truth be told, I've watched the show the minute it came out in 2019; got heartbroken by it too. I just love the way his eyes sparkle for the first time since we met, probably for the first time since you left, and his whole goddamn face lights up. So I listen and pretend I've never even heard of the drama. He's so beautiful when he smiles.

I can't even imagine how beautiful he must be when he's genuinely happy.

Lol, anywayssss, this is getting too gloomy so I'm finishing this letter on a more upbeat note. Can I ask you for a favor?

I don't really know how you angels function, or if there even is an afterlife, but like if just in case you dead people have access to the dreams of alive people, could you send a signal to an individual named Min Yoongi (he lives on Gwasion street, door number 47, the bedroom to the left, right beside the kitchen) that he loves me? Or maybe just mention me. You know, throw a picture of me naked inside his head. Something.

I repeat, Min Yoongi. With a g.

And if Taehyung isn't released from the hospital tomorrow like he's supposed to be, I'll keep on updating you about him (and The untamed, if you want me to).

With best wishes,

Park Jimin :)