Fog of Love

Part 12 Musings

Shaheer's POV

I am stressed to a level that I can't even put into words. But I have to vent it out anyhow. I'm finally back in my house, pacing across the room thinking about the recent happenings..
God!!! I have to..yes I'll write it in my diary.

"Dear Diary,

Yeah I know you missed me and I missed you too. Ek tum hi ho jisse sab share karta hu..par Goa gaya tha to tum yhi rehgyi meri dear Diary. Next time I'll take care of it.
You know mera hathi aaya hua hai or uske chakkar me hum trip par the..I love my Bros..!
We are RoHeeRav!!

Well aaj muje bahut kuch batana hai..tumhe...!
Shikha se break up ke bad things are not stable in my life. Vo to roz nayi nayi pictures dalti hai...but mai yaha itna depressed hu ke mai kese batau.
Bahut galtiya hogyi hai mujse..in dino.
In Goa I got carried away when a girl approached me.
You know..ummm..she had curls and eyes similar to Shikha and I just assumed Sherlyn to be her.
I was about to cross my limits but yeah my Allah saved me.
Us raat Pooja se bat ki bahut light feel hua..though I lashed out at her in the end of that chit chat. Par maine use mana lia tha.
Wait!
Pooja!
Noooo!
Uske baare me to kya baat karu...!!?? That silly girl blurted out everything in front of Rohit and Saurav. Jabki unhe mere bare me pata bhi nahi tha. I wanted to tell them after sometime but no...meri privacy meri kaha hain!!!! She literally intruded in my life. Use esa nahi karna chaiye tha. I don't like it when someone deliberately tries to..you know..try to comfort me. Because I know I deserve this.
Well I know I know..! I'm hiding the real reason of being pissed with her behind this stupid reason.

Actually... actually!! The thing is I had a little make out session with her..kya batau kese hogya...bas hogya.
Mai to itna nashe me tha bhi nahi..but..still she made me feel different and a lot better that night.
Maybe it was all perks of missing my ex.
Woahh! My ex!!
Kya din aa gaye hai..ex keh raha hu Shikha ko..!
Pooja's one thing touched me in the trip. She recited my father's said shayari to console me.
But! But!
Kese bhool jau us raat jo hua..vo to bhool gayi..! How easy! I'm in so much guilt so so so much....! You know uske liye maine khud lemonade banaya tha..her head was paining..and sahi me I used her..I took her advantage though I knew that what I was doing... but I never stopped. I stopped at the verge.

I swear that I just was out of senses isliye ye hua..nahi to kabhi nahi hota..at least you can trust me right!! Ughhh!! I hate this feeling. I hate me. I hate pubs. I hate being high. High on her!?
I don't know! I'm crying while writing this. I wish I could not have done that.
Even I tried to ignore her, she was taken aback by my behavior..but mai kya karta...! Kya karta..!
Even I changed my seat in the airplane just to avoid her.
You tell me what should I do!!
Mai nahi chahta ke koi muje is dard se bahar nikaale kyuki I deserve this.
And Pooja gives me good vibes. But I don't need them anymore. I want myself to be distant from everyone...!

"Lagta hai aaj zindagi kuch khafa hai
Chaliye chodiye konsa pehli dafa hai!"

Good night"

____________

I don't know what to do. Akele ghutan si hoti hai..! I even haven't unpacked my things since two weeks. Because after returning back, I have just cried and ignored each call I recieved. Some of them were of Pooja. But I wasn't in mood to listen..to her specially. I just cried didn't take proper sleep and even didn't take proper diet.
Whenever I think about Shikha and me then just pain, memories, bad memories, guilt and frustration surrounds me. I wasn't able to run a relationship.
Why am I so bad? Why am I so flawed? Why??
"You need to change yourself Shaheer!" I remember Shikha yelling this to me on my phone several times.
"You are so imperfect...you just try to be so cryptic..but uska use kya hai...kyu nahi bata te sabko mere baare me??" She always yelled at me like this whenever we fought. And yeah she is right!!! She is damn right!!
I always do wrong things..! I can't control my emotions at times and try to be less social.
***But that's how I am... yaar!***
I am groaning in pain..mental pain right now. My heart is groaning.
I was sitting on the floor near my sofa and table when my swollen teary eyes fell on a piece of paper.
I hadn't took care of my house for past one month. God!! I'm a big disappointment.
I opened the single fold of the short note and it read
"Never said earlier but now I must do that 'kau begitu sempurna dimata ku kau begitu indah.'
In my eyes you are perfect Shaheer"

No name was mentioned who left it but I know she is Pooja. Sempurna is our thing afterall. Even when I don't want to face her, (I'm not ready) but she made me feel good!?
I don't know why but uninvitedly a smile crept on my wet face. And it was genuine.
I can't do this to myself. "Just ek bat yaad rakhna that you have people who wait for your return!"
Someone's lines came in my mind and I know where I belong. To my parents!
I need them! I need to go. I called my friend cum pr "book the flights. I'm flying to Jammu!"

_____________

Pooja's POV

When we were at the airport, to head back to Mumbai, I had my seat far way from Shaheer Saurav and Rohit because it was booked late. But Shaheer was ignoring me so much that he exchanged our seats even after so much of persuasion from Saurav's side. He was ready to sit on my seat but Shaheer was so adamant. He was all ready to ignore me with all his might.
I didn't stop him too because I was so sorry. I literally Violated his privacy.
From two three weeks I'm daily calling him to say sorry to him but he had not picked any of my calls. Not even seen my messages.
I am hell worried because he hasn't picked calls of Rohit and Saurav too. And it's so strange. I'm so worried. Bad thoughts are coming in my mind. Very bad. I have to meet him. Should I go to his place!? But I can only call because I'm busy with further shooting of my romantic song and now it's promotion gonna start.
What should I do!!?
I was lost in my musings when a message popped. It was Rohit.
"Don't worry Pooja! I talked to his friend and he's going to Jammu to his parents tomorrow."

"Thank god! You don't know how much relieved I'm now! Thank you!" I texted back and seriously I'm happy that he gonna be with his people, those who truly care for him and love him.

Today is the last day of my shooting and promotions will begin soon. A thing other than Shaheer that is bothering me is Whenever the lead of my song Siddharth comes close, and we hug each other and you know romance on screen..I hallucinate. Some memories come in my mind but unclear. Though I never had boyfriends before..so why such memories. And Siddharth's touch is not like that the one I remember.
As I hallucinate the one in my dreams..he's so different and I am so different in his arms. But you know I remember nothing clearly.
I even told Rohit about it as we were chatting about Shaheer's whereabouts, he laughed and said "itni drink mat kia karo Panchali ke kuch yaad na rahe! Hahahha!'' he texted me. And I was wondering what he's trying to sayyy!!!!

There's only one night that I don't remember after drinking..that one which I spent in Goa recently. Martini can be so lethal lol!!! I was drinking with Shaheer before going to the dj. But after that I don't remember anything. Maybe he knows! I'll ask him!! But first I gonna apologize.

____________

A/N : Guess who said that last highlighted line to Shaheer! You guys know the answer if you have read the story carefully!
So guys, tell me in the comment section how's the chapter!?