12 months ago;
i lay on my back, my ceiling seems to be more interesting than anyone or anything else at the moment. hero is at work, he's doing modelling which is so amazing. i'm currently working as a social media influencer, making youtube videos, instagram influencer.
being a social media influencer has allowed me to meet new people, it's nice to talk to people who aren't toxic like my school friends, i constantly have brands emailing me asking to do collaborations which i love. it's made me a happier person, it's made me see life in a different light and although i never planned for this career; i wouldn't change it for the world.
my life is going alright, i'm no longer in my sisters shadow and i have created my own career. my mom still sends me money but it's piling up, im saving the money she gives me for something; i'm not quite sure yet. i'm earning more than enough to provide for myself; i will never know why she still sends me money, she hasn't made an effort with me and i haven't seen her in over 6 months but it's not bothering me. she's too busy with katherine to worry about me, that's fine because i wouldn't be the person i am today if i wasn't abandoned by my mother and sister.
the only downside to my life is i don't eat properly. i haven't eaten in two, maybe three days? i'm not quite sure it might be four days, at this point i've lost count. i've been getting energy off of coffee and chewing gum, hero doesn't actually know i haven't eaten.
i've been lying to him and telling him that i have eaten, i really haven't. i haven't seen him this week because he's been busy at work, i have it easier because i work from home. i think he's coming over tonight, i miss him a lot but i've been facetiming him before i go to sleep. i cant sleep without him, or without him on facetime; i'm emotionally and mentally attached to him and i don't want him to leave.
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i pick my phone up from the coffee table and it's 6pm, hero said he'll be here soon. i'm very excited to see him, to hear how his day has been. i'm excited to tell him about my new brand idea, i'm looking to bring out "lips" which is a lipgloss/lipstick brand, i don't know if it's going to work out but i hope it does because it seems like a fun project and it's different to what i usually do.
i hear keys jangle through the front door and my heart leaps, i turn my head toward the door and my boyfriend gives me a warm smile and i feel a wave of happiness rush through my body.
"hey" i say, hero wraps his arm around me and i realise how much i've missed his presence.
hero cups my face in his hands and i smile at him, his smile drops and im unsure as to why.
"when was the last time you ate?" hero questions
"i had some lunch about an hour ago" i lie
"josephine eliza langford"
"yes?"
"when was the last time you ate?" he asks again and i roll my eyes at him.
"i'm not sure like three days ago? maybe four" i tell him and he gives me a stern look.
"what the fuck"
"what?" i question
"look at you" he sighs
"you're pale, your lips are chapped and you look so thin" he tells me and i tears fill my eyes, threatening to spill.
"i'll be okay, nothing a little makeup can't fix" i reassure my boyfriend
"josephine"
"i'll be okay" i repeat, my body feels frail, i'm lying to him but i can't eat, i just can't.
"you're killing yourself" he states
"i'm fine"
"so is this is what you're going to do? kill yourself slowly, i watch you die and then you leave me?" he questions and my heart falls, tears are falling from my eyes; so much that i can't control them anymore, i don't have the strength to stop myself from crying. i run my hand through my hair and wipe the tears from under my eyes.
"stop doing this to yourself, it's hurting me, seeing you like this" hero mumbles, he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and kisses my cheek.
"let's make you something to eat, i'll eat with you, we can watch a movie; whatever you want to eat, i will get it, whatever you want to watch, we can watch" he says.
"chicken salad?" i ask him and he nods
"yup, go and watch tv. i love you" he tells me, walking to the kitchen.
"i love you more" i reply.
hero brings me a bowl of chicken salad with a small bowl of fruit. as much as i don't want to eat, i need to; seeing hero like that hurt me, i don't want him constantly worrying about me and if him seeing me eat now will make him happy, i'll eat for him because i love him. i have to make sure he doesn't worry about me, he needs to focus on himself.
hero still lives with martha and jamie but i'm either at their house or hero is with me; here. i would like to move out sometime soon, i have the money for my own place. i should move out soon, an apartment for a few months and then i'll buy a bigger house and just live in the apartment whilst the house is getting done up; so my mom doesn't have anything against me, the last time i spoke to her she said she would sign the house over to me but i don't want it.
it takes me 3 hours to finish the salad, hero made me finish it because i hadn't eaten for many days.
"you're coming over to mine tomorrow" hero tells me and i look at him with furrowed brows.
"my mom told me to tell you to come over" he adds and i nod
"sunday roast?" i ask and a smile grows on his face, i love spending the day at hero's on sundays, it doesn't feel right when i don't go every week, martha's roasts are also the best. i miss jamie too, he's growing so quickly.
"guess what" hero turns his head toward me
"i'm going to bring out a lipgloss brand" i tell my boyfriend and he looks so proud of me.
"that's amazing" he tells me and my heart flutters, he's so supportive of my businesses
"i hope it doesn't flop" i chuckle
"it won't, it'll be amazing like everything else you do" he says before locking his lips with mine.
i have to film a youtube video on monday, which i'm excited for. i'm sleeping at heros on sunday so ill be home late afternoon, which means i'll be filming in the evening. tuesday morning, i have to be up early; i have a management meeting and i also want to bring up the idea of the lipgloss. i have everything planned, designs, shades etc.
< i wish i wasn't so scared of food>
