When You're Broken On The Ground

Chapter 29

Trigger Warnings: abusive parents, name changing, swearing (it's Remus)

Word Count: 1129

Thinking about the drive home, Dee is in shock and he knows it. So of course, Remus is in the driver's seat. That isn't a bad thing, he drives himself to work and back and all over when he has to get groceries. Remus is actually a good driver, and his road rage isn't so much road rage so much as driving at the speed limit and swearing angrily if he's stuck behind someone that makes him go slower. Moderate road age, as he likes to call it. 

"C'mon Dee, you're too quiet," Remus speaks up, strangely calm despite his quite enraged yelling at a red convertible moving at a snail's pace. A true crime against such a lovely car, Dee has to admit.

"Sorry, I just..." What? What is wrong? They're free to go, sure there were bad memories pulled up but still. Something's just... off within himself.

"Is this about your name?"

Oh.

"That may be it," he admits. "I haven't heard that name in years..."

Janus. Janus Hart. 

"You wanna tackle first name or last name?"

"Last name first."

It's easier to get the worst done first, after all. That's what his therapist always said anyways. 

"Alright. Well, as my therapist says-JESUS CHRIST YOU BASTARD THIS AIN'T NO PARKING LOT EITHER PICK UP THE PACE OR GET IN THE GRANDPARENT LANE WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR YOUR  BS-what are you feeling when you think about it?"

Ignoring Remus' yelling at a person who can't hear him, Dee thinks it over before replying. "I think I feel scared. And angry. And nervous?" Where'd the nervousness come from? 

"Alright, let's take them one at a time. What about the name makes you scared?"

"My parents." It's always them, always. 

"What exactly about them?" Everything. 

"I don't know, the way they hurt me and Patton and each other. It's a reminder of what we once were and what I never want to be, I guess."

"Understandable. And what about being angry?"

Remus is seriously good at this. "They hurt and scarred me over nothing. I didn't do anything and yet they hurt me. It just... I hate how that name can bring so much bad memories and how, even though I tried, I can't run away from it. From the memories."

"And what about the nervousness?" Remus asks, swerving around a mini van but acting like nothing happened. Dee's used to it so he doesn't let the violent movement  shift him. 

"I guess... that I'll become like them? Like, if I hold the same name as them that I'll be more like them? Somehow? I don't know, I'm not making sense."

"Nah I get it, it's similar to how I feel about my old last name. They had to be this perfect family, because the Kings were a perfect family and if they weren't that meant they were lower than dirt." Dee always wants to punch the Kings whenever Remus or Roman brings. What his parents did was horrible, but psychological abuse hurts just as much. He's seen what it's done to the twins. "And I rebelled against that, I hated it and I made sure to be the opposite of what they wanted. So thinking about being a King makes me feel gross like intestines because 'King' became synonymous with 'perfection' and that's not what or who I want to be." The car stops and Dee blinks. He hadn't realized they were at their house already. 

They get out. "Thanks Octy," he whispers, kissing Remus on the cheek before he can move towards the door. 

"Anytime snakey." Remus opens the door and they walk in, locking behind as always. "Now, you wanna tackle the first name before, during, or after reheating the chicken and pasta?"

"During, definitely." 

So Dee opens the microwave and Remus sticks the dish into it. As the timer counts down, they talk.

"So, what's up with the first name?"

"Oh you know, it sounds like a girl's name, it's stupid, and no one would take me seriously." Everything he used to deal with before the change. His parents had only been expecting one kid so when he came out after Patton, they had panicked and said the girl name they had picked out. The nurse had thought they meant 'Janus' not 'Janice' and well, he'd been stuck with the name until it got too bad and his parents finally just had it changed. Probably the only good thing his parents ever did for him.

"Aww c'mon-"

"I don't like Devin, but I can't go back to Janus."

"What's stopping you?"

"The last time I went by Janus I got made fun of for years and was called a girl. It's fine for the character Deceit to be named Janus, I just don't think I could take it if I went by Janus again."

"J... you know the fans would be nice about it, they're really sweet people."

"I know..." The microwave beeps, so they pause to take the dish out and place it on a hot pad on the table. 

Grabbing two forks, Remus adds, "And we can block anyone who makes fun of your name!"

Dee has to smile at his boyfriend's words, taking a bite of the food. "Do you think I should change back?"

"I don't care, as long as you're happy Jan."

He takes a couple more bites, thinking it over. Would he like to go back to Janus? It was a good name, made him feel powerful, but it also sounded like a girl's name and he would rather not have to go through more bullying. Work wouldn't be an issue, no one knew his name besides the uppers. "I think... I might go back."

"Alright, do you want to test it out with the fam before legally changing it?"

"Yeah, yeah I think that'd be good."

"Coolio. Want me to stop calling you Dee?"

Janus thinks about it. "No... no I don't think so. I don't mind it and honestly you've been calling me Dee for years now, it'd be weird if you stopped now."

"Sounds good double d," Remus says, slurping up a noodle.

"That's- Remus- no." Remus wiggles his eyebrows as Janus sputters with the brightest blush on his face. 

"Whatever you say rainbow snake." Janus rolls his eyes and goes to eat a noodle, only for it to end in Remus' mouth. Because Disney cliches are apparently real. Instead of backing down, he just smirks and leans over the dish to kiss Remus, stealing the rest of the noddle in the process. 

"Love you," he whispers to him before leaning back. 

"Love you too," Remus replies, a faint pink appearing on his cheeks.