7. People Shaped Voids

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20 April, 1:03 A

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20 April, 1:03 A.M.

Haneul awakens from his slumber when he feels a tug on his sleeve. He lets out a sound at the back of his throat and turns to the side ignoring the pull, wanting to go back to his dreams.

"Appa," he hears but still keeps his eyes closed. "Appa, wake up!" Soomin climbs on the bed and shakes him vigorously as much as the heels of her small palms can.

The father groans, a hand coming up to his face, rubbing his eyes. "Why are you awake, Soomin?" He croaks in a breathy tone, "Sleep with Appa today." He pulls the girl close to him but she moves away.

"No."

Begrudgingly, the father sits up and peels his eyes open. "Do you want milk?"

"No."

"Then sleep." Haneul lays down again and pulls the comforter over his head. The girl always manages to find ungodly times to bother him. Being a father is a full-time job but he needed a break at least when he's trying to catch some hours of sleep before returning to the hospital.

A moment of silence passes till the room fills with Soomin's cry. "Eomma!" She roars, tears escaping her eyes. "I want eomma...where is mwy eomma?" Her wails get louder as Haneul's grip on the bed sheets tightens.

The sounds make his chest heavy, the pit of his stomach churning uncomfortably. Naeun is allowed to meet Soomin every month for a day. Whenever Soomin spends a day with her, she becomes sensitive about not seeing her mother around after the visit. The girl loves her but Haneul took that away. He has taken it upon himself to raise her alone, but the doctor can already see that he's failing. He tries filling the void Naeun has left, hoping Soomin won't feel the absence of her mother but all his efforts are in vain.

When the crying doesn't cease, Haneul pulls her into his embrace, Soomin's tears staining his beige silk nightwear. "Appa is sorry, Minnie. Very sorry." The father whispers stroking her hair guiltily. How is he supposed to comfort her?

"I want eomma, I want to slweep with eomma! Why dwidn't she come home with us today?"

Haneul rocks Soomin, holding her, feeling helpless about the situation. He couldn't tell his little girl how her mother would never live with them anymore. The doctor tried to save their relationship, but progress is only when both parties put in the effort. He wants to completely blame Naeun for breaking them apart, but he cannot. Maybe it was he who couldn't keep her happy and fulfill her needs. Divorce was inevitable, a toxic household was not fit for Soomin's upbringing. He prays the girl would understand his decision someday. Although, one question always lingers in his mind, 'Would things have gotten better if I waited more and endured it?'

Haneul moves the girl from his chest and places his hands on her cheeks, wiping her tears with a pained smile. "We can go to Uncle Binnie's house tomorrow. You can play with Bora and Hoonie hyung."

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