Babysitter Wanted

A/N

For all of you who have been reading this since I first started it, new readers, or anyone who cares enough to read this: I'm sorry.

I know it's been so long since I've updated and I kept promising to update more often and it just never happened. I want to let you all know what's going on in my life currently so that it may offer some clarity as to why I'm not present on this app as often as I used to be.

As we all know covid has been hanging around in many parts of the world for almost an entire year now and it has been very stressful for me these past few months.

Several of my family members have gotten it, I've had three different times were I've thought I had it or thought I had been exposed to it. Thankfully I've been lucky enough to make it this far without getting a positive test result. The worst I've had had been bronchitis and pink eye since all of this has started.

Also, earlier this year one of my grandparents passed away and it has been really hard on my family. He was my dad's stepdad and he had been suffering from Parkinson's disease for a long time. Watching someone you love slowly lose who they are right in front of you for years is hard enough, but the fact that I never got to say goodbye or go to a funeral because of covid as really taken a toll on me.

On top on that throughout the year my dad has been in and out of the hospital because of heart problems. He doesn't tell me about his procedures. I always find out through family members and it has been killing me because how would I know if something had gone horribly wrong or he died? I want nothing more than to have my dad around to walk me down the aisle at my wedding and meet my kids when I decide to start a family.

I know he's only doing that because he doesn't want me to worry, but what really pushed me over the edge was when I found out through my nanny (my dads mom) that he had been diagnosed with skin cancer literally days before I found out and he just didn't tell me. I understand skin cancer it very treatable and he has a high probability of beating it, but just learning of it scared me and made me so angry with him.

Let me move away from all of the depressing medical business and tell you about my daily struggles. Keep in mind I'm not asking for pity or sympathy or "I hope everything is better soon" type responses to this. I simply want you guys to understand why I am not updating.

A few months ago I got promoted from a part time management position to a full time management position at my job. I know, it doesn't sound like a struggle and it's usually not. The thing is I now have far less time to myself. When I have days off I want to spend them with my boyfriend who I rarely see, trying to catch up on sleep, with my dog who deserves more attention than I can give him, or cleaning because I don't ever have time for any of that on days I work.

For a few weeks my store had to cut my hours almost in half so by the end of last month I was struggling to pay rent and keep myself feed enough to stay alive until my next check. I had to borrow money from my parents, friends were kind enough to buy me meals at times, my boyfriend (god bless him) would send me money at random because he knew I refused to ask him. It was hard and I went hungry for several days, but my bills had to come first.

Since then I'm back to working 40 hours a week which means I don't get many days off. I want to spend whatever time I can with my boyfriend when I'm not working because we live far apart and both have full time jobs. He works 6am-2pm every week day and my schedule is never the same so it's difficult to find time where we aren't both completely exhausted and can be ourselves around each other. Fortunately in December he's going to be moving in with me so that problem will soon be gone.

I'm really looking forward to starting my life with him. He has been my biggest support system through all of this and honestly I don't know where I'd be without him.

A few years ago I was diagnosed with BPD on top of having depression and very severe anxiety. It's a daily struggle for me to feel comfortable with my own thoughts and feelings. While I do have my good days there are still a lot of really bad days where I wake up convinced that I'm going to die that day. I don't know how, I don't know why, but I go about my day in fear that something horrible is going to happen to me and I'm going to die. It's so severe that I have an emotional support animal.

His name is Apollo. He turns three years old this month. He has become my best friend over the year that I've had him and we have now attached at the hip. Around the beginning of the year Apollo was diagnosed with lupus which can appear in several different forms. The type Apollo has mostly affects his pigment. When I first got him he had black around his eyes, nose, and mouth but because of the lupus the pigment has faded or left most of his face and now he is very pink. Also because he has such light colored eyes it has caused him to go blind in one eye and it's slowly wearing away at the vision he has in his other eye. It is a little painful for him and sun exposure can make it progress faster. There is no cure for it, but there are medicines that can help ease his pain and slow the process which have been helping him a lot.

It's very expensive keeping up with his vet bills, medications, rent, electric bills, internet bills, gas, groceries, my own medications. Basically all of my money goes into taking care of the two of us. We need each other and our bond is so strong that I'm more than willing to clean out my bank account for him.

I could carry on all night giving more reasons this had been a difficult time for me, but I think I've made my point.

I want to reiterate that I am NOT asking for you guys to tell me to "keep my head up" or anything like that. I just want everyone to be on the same page when I ask that everyone stops commenting "please update" all the time.

It's very frustrating to me. I understand that you guys are excited about my writing and I appreciate that more than you know, however, I can't make good content if I'm being rushed or pressured into writing something I'm not putting my heart into.

I want to be in a good place when I work on this book for you guys because it has been such a long journey since the beginning and I have come to love it so much just like I'm sure many of you have.

Thank you for reading all of this if you did. I really appreciate it and hope that you guys can understand where I'm coming from.