Wasn't Expecting You

Happy

The last time in my life I remember truly feeling happy, was my eleventh birthday. It was just my dad, Ali and I. He asked me the night before if I could spend the day doing anything at all, what would it be. Being the thrill seeking eleven year old I was, I wanted to ride roller coasters, I wanted to feel the adrenaline rush, the moment your stomach drops and you let go completely flying through the air.

Early on that February 8th, he bundled Ali and I up in the car and we drove for hours until we reached L.A. He took us to Knott's Berry Farm, said it would be quieter than the bigger theme parks, more chances to ride as many rides as we want, as many times as we want.

It was my favourite birthday, and one of my most treasured days with my dad and best friend. I distinctly remember my face hurting from laughing and smiling so much that day.

It was only a month later that he died. Pure happiness became a memory, an emotion I almost didn't remember how to feel.

Even the big moments that followed in my life that should have elicited the same amount of joy never did. Becoming a teenager, my first party, kissing a boy for the first time, getting my licence, graduating high school, and getting accepted to college. While all of these moments made me smile, none truly made me  as happy as I felt that day. I always felt like something, someone was missing.

These last few weeks, have come the closest in my life to my eleventh birthday. The way I feel when I'm with Joey, Harper and Ali, heck even Ethan and Ryan. It's like I have a family again, like I belong. The hole my dad left in my heart is still there, it always will be, but I'm finally allowing myself to be happy again, to feel real happiness.

I never knew one boy, or man, because if he knew I called him a boy he would tell me off, could change my life so dramatically. He makes me laugh at his jokes, he makes me smile brightly, he makes my body tingle like no one has before. He makes me feel like I'm the only one in the room with just a glance in my direction, makes me feel like I'm the only one who matters. He has a side of himself reserved just for me. Most of all, he makes me feel happy.

I'm thinking about all of this when I should be studying. There is one week of classes left before thanksgiving break and I have three assignments to complete. I've been trying to balance this spreadsheet for an hour now for my accounting class and I'm missing something. It's not adding up and instead of figuring it out, I'm sitting here daydreaming.

"Morgan! Helloooo, earth to Morgan! Morgan Maree Walters!" I suddenly became aware of Harper's voice snapping me out of my thoughts.

"What? Who? Did something happen? Is there a fire?" I stammered out.

"No you dork! I was talking to you and you full just blanked. Totally zoned out somewhere on Mars! What were you thinking about? Unless it's Joey, then don't tell me," she scrunched up her face.

"Partly him, partly my dad," I replied wistfully.

"How's your assignment going?" She checked, changing topics.

I groaned, burying my head in my hands. "I can't work it out! There's clearly something I'm missing and I bet it's right in front of me!" I exclaimed, clearly frustrated.

"Get Joey to help you, he's good at this too. By the way, what are your plans for Thanksgiving break?"

"No plans," I sighed. "The last few years I joined Ali's family or Helen and Craig. But I'm not planning on heading back to San Diego, like ever. Ali is flying back too, I can't afford that even if I wanted to go. So I guess I'll just stay on campus. I wanted to come see Joey for his birthday though."

"I figured as much. You know I'm sure you are more than welcome to come home with us, you'll be part of the family one day anyway at the rate your going! I can call mom tonight."