Pushing Up Daisies

Chapter 22 : You Weren't Mine to Lose

KIM BONA

"MinAh noona. Ccddfhnnhdsddffes my boots dsbnvdsdvbhffggdddffsff," Seungri is randomly calling his stylists amongst this chaotic dressing room as he's wearing a tie himself, but MinAh is nowhere to be found. Actually everyone is too busy helping themselves. Then he surprisingly exclaims, "Omo! Bona. Get up. Don't wear it for me."

I say nothing and keep wearing him the leather long boots. He gently taps my shoulders to get up, but in less than two seconds he lets me do this undeniably since I never perk up nor say anything.

We're in the dressing room of Gocheok SkyDome. There's quite chaotic and crowded in here. Every room behind the stage is occupied by many artists and lots of crew. Most of the artist has to help themselves dressed up since there's too many ones to handle. Yeah, it obviously quite seems to start a day so busy. It's because today is some award of the Korean music industry or something that I quite don't know much. It might be called K-POP award, you know?

Anyway, the main fact is my brilliant boys, BIGBANG, are nominated for four awards. Therefore, they are going to perform their incredibly perfect show as a thank you to the hosts. I am genuinely happy for them and also worried for them at the same time. I heard that this is the first time that BIGBANG is going to perform without their leader, G-DRAGON. It sounds unbelievable, right? It's because GD is still nowhere to be reached and found. He's perfectly vanished into thin air for eleven days. No sign. No phone call. No text. But the show has to go on. I am so freaking, extremely, badly, literally, perfectly, completely mad at him. He's such a jerk like my mom referred.

"Gamsahabnida, Bona ya," Seungri thanks me with his adorably shy smile, and I beam an emotionless one back to him. My smile probably looks dry and so ill. But just so you know, I have been so out of energy to do anything recently. I am like a zombie who has no heart and soul except a hollow body.

Then, I step beside to Daesong who's sitting opposite the makeup table and trying to tie his necktie by watching his reflection through the mirror. "Let me," I simply say, kneeling down and tie his necktie for him.

He looks giddy at first but then sits steady for me and lets me help him. "Thank you, Bona," he says, genuinely grinning.

"My pressure," I say almost whisper, and do the same like I just did to Seungri— the driest smile. Afterwards, I help Youngbae and T.O.P dressing up their tuxedos.

"You look charming today," I honestly compliment T.O.P, looking over his shoulder to avoid eye contact while folding his shirt collar. I try my best to give him my sincere smile, but you know, I'm so tired to do anything except lying stupidly on the bed all day all night.

Anyway, apart from this cruelest era of mine, I'm really grateful for T.O.P, my generous brother, for being so supportive along these awful days. And my beloved boys, too. They all have helped me a lot since I lost my ones, and I extremely appreciate how kind they are. I wouldn't have gone through these hard times if there weren't four of them around, especially T.O.P. Therefore, there's no reason I will deny to be apart of their delightful day like this, even though they actually half-forced, half-invited me to be with them today since they didn't want to set their eyes off of me. You know, and that's why how I ended up here, despite of the fact I don't have that complete healthy.

"I'm sorry that Jiyong didn't come. I tried," T.O.P suddenly speaks while I'm adjusting his jacket properly. To be honest, the way I hear his name, it quite drives my guard down unexpectedly.

I pretend to be okay as much as I could, even though Lord knows I am freaking not okay. I want to ask him whether he just met him, but all the word I put out is just, "You did your best." I squeeze his hand softly and give him a sloppy hug, wishing he would understand this rough version of me. He pats my head warmly and presses an air-kissing beside my temples before we separate each other. I secretly eye him with a meaningful look 'I'm sorry but you're meant so much to me. You know that right?'. I barely can speak, though I want to say more than this. Fortunately, he nods understandably and that makes me want to cry.