Pushing Up Daisies

Chapter 25 : We Never Go Out of Style

KIM BONA

It's two in the morning and I am still right here—the places in the big city where we were unconditionally spreading our pure love in unlimited skies. The places where we were truly ourselves and so much in love.

The places where we stopped remembering that we were on the earth for a while.

I am right here, sitting on a bench in front of the Hockey Arena in the two goddamn morning. Surely, it's freaking cold and lonely, though there're still some folks wandering around up at night. I am still alone. Not just alone on this bench. I am too alone in this big city.

The crosswalk, I am looking at. Well, I've been looking for the last few hours, though. I see him and I see me—we kissing there. How sweet and sincere of his kiss that he gave me on that crosswalk has planted in my heart. It was the best romantic kiss ever. Although it made us get caught, I know there're few things never give away. Our love was how we could keep breathing right then. Our love was our home.

I have seen people walking around and crossing that crosswalk. Some come alone. Some have company. Some stop on the footpath or the crosswalk and kiss their lovers. And then some walk past me without noticing.

Without noticing that I am crying.

I'm glad no one sees me. I am not supposed to be spotted right straight with this look. Ugly inaudible crying. So I decide to wear a mask in the city where people think it's weird to wear it, despite of Korean people are commonly fond to cover their half faces underneath their own masks while they're in public. I once used to hate to wear it, but now I don't anymore. Mask helps my sad spot. Crying in public is miserable and quite humiliating, but if you used to cry a lot in the same walls, same roof for a long time, you know me now—we need to fucking go outside, wander around and cry. Cry cry cry. First things first, when I want to be under the open sky and blast out tears, I put a mask on to cover up my ugly mouth when I'm sobbing and use it like a rug smearing my teardrops. Secondly, I lower my head a bit to use my bangs and ponytail to cover my blotchy face. Thirdly, I just start doing it...to wear a sunglasses on. Now I can cry in public and look less miserable.

But just so you know, when your face is too soaked and your nose is hard to sniff from being cried for a moment, I eventually have to take stuff off and clear off my messed up face. I can't always hide my sadness from covering up with stuff, and I can't lie myself that I am not crying either. This secret trick of hiding my shotted sadness is just temporary. My own self already knows the best trick I am supposed to do is drying my eyes out and getting rid of being traumatic.

It's the fact. No one can be sad forever.

But the other fact also tells...happiness is hard to find. So what the hell do we do to stop being down when there's less happy dryer for drying sad tears?

"Hey, girl. Everything OK?"

And daydreaming is suddenly broken as I squint at the red converse standing over my shoes. I then look up and there's a middle-aged woman. I begin to greet her back kindly but when I see a bible that he's holding against his chest, I know I couldn't let her accompany me.

"Sorry but I am not interested in religion," I simply say and get up from the bench.

And she breaks me off by confronting me. "Hey. Hey. Chill out. I'm not forcing you into religion. I just worried you obviously look...you know, kinda down," she stutters at the mid sentence.

I'm wearing a mask and sunglasses. Does she still see how I am? I scratch my neck in dilemma, and then politely snap, "Thank you for your kindness, but I'm doing fine."