Pushing Up Daisies

Chapter 26 : Band-Aids Don't Fix the Bullet Holes

KIM BONA

Back at home that evening, as I step out of the elevator, fumbling the apartment key in my guitar case. And then when I look up...

There he is.

.

.

.

That's him, sitting on the floor with his face in his hands, leaning his back against the wall beside my door.

I'm frozen, feeling out of my skin. Is this the second phase of my hallucinations?

He's in the exact clothes like I saw him standing on the footpath yesterday. But this time is different. It's...totally real. So real, as if I could reach out and touch him.

A long deep breath I take. Gripping the key in my palm. Telling my legs to keep walking forwards.

He gradually looks up at me with a little gasp, then I can tell from the look on his face. He's been crying for a while. Eyes bloodshot. A sloppy face. He looks tortured. Extremely tortured.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, as if I'm holding my breath.

GD stares at me with his unreadable expression, putting an elbow on his knees, and rests his head on his palm. "I dunno either," he mumbles. His voice is absolutely dry and sounds so thirsty.

I exhale, feeling like my lung is full of air. "Okay. Then, you came here to kick me out of your apartment again?"

Instead of saying no, he just shakes his head as the answer. And I don't know if he means he won't or not just yet.

There's a different pause between the two of us. We stay in silence for a moment, and I'm waiting for him to say something. But he does nothing, except buries his face between his legs. His shoulders start to shake, I reach out to touch them for comforting him. All of the sudden, there's a little voice inside me saying,
This is a loop. This is where we're going to run in the same unhealthy circles.

My hand is stuck in the air. I don't touch his messy hair.

"I miss you, Dais. I feel like I'm holding my breath every day without you. You've blocked out the sun," he spits, and I bring my hand up to my mouth. The only emotion I have is grief.

"It's my fault that I came into your life and broke everything you've earned. I'm so sorry, and I don't mind that you kicked me out before...I am a mess," I say to the ceiling, biting my bottom lip hardly.

"Yes, you are. You fucking are, Dais. And I can't move on because of you, too." He finally perks up again. I don't know how to describe about several teardrops from him never be easy for me to get over. Every single one matters. So so much matters. It feels like me crying a whole damn week never be able to compare to him crying just for once. I'd rather get shot by a shotgun than seeing him crying on me like this.

"Why, Dais? Why? When it comes to you, seems so easy. Now you moved on, and I still can't even stop thinking about you every second. That's why I fucking came here."

Me? Moved on?

I throw my hand in the air with a little eye-rolling, genuinely don't know whether I'm too angry or too upset. I have fucking no idea where the hell he took that thought from.

For an instant, I decide to say nothing nor even reassure to defend myself. Sometimes I realize words are never enough to describe everything about what you've been through. No one knows you damn well unless your own self.

They never know a thing unless they walk in your shoes.

I let out a huge puff of air, putting my hand up to my mouth, bloody trying so hard not to cry in front of him. "I'm sorry for everything, okay? From now on, I disappear from your life. I'll go where you can't find me," I spit out, really mean it. And then I unlock the door and scurry into the apartment before tossing the guitar case on a cupboard.